A Little Marriage Homework

There is no hidden meaning to the title of this post. Yes, I've got homework for you to do! But don't get scared away too fast - because marriage is hard work! And this is just the beginning :)

When my husband and I were going through pre-marital counseling, we were pretty much eye-to-eye on everything.

Who is going to take care of the dishes? What does a "clean home" mean to you? Will someone stay home to care for the kids? What are your views on finances?

Being eye-to-eye on all of the "tough" questions left us feeling confident after each session and it wasn't until one of the very last sessions that our Pastor asked us a question that left me a little stumped. Well, I guess I just really had to think hard about it!

Why do you want to get married?

Christopher Todd Studios

"Well, because I love him, of course!"

And as those words rolled off of the tip of my tongue, I realized that I had just given a confident, but terrible answer.

I know that you're probably thinking, "No answer is a bad answer." But mine was.

I love my parents and I love my friends. I love my sisters, my grandparents, and even my pets! But does that mean I am going to marry them? Of course not!

Some of you may even have had deep loving relationships with exes, but you didn't marry them either...or maybe you did. So there has to be some other reason for marriage, right?

Are you getting married because your religion says you should?
Are you getting married because your parents have matched you with your spouse?
Are you getting married because that is just how your family has done it for years and years?
Are you getting married because that is what you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love?
Companionship? Babies? Someone to take care of your fiances so you never have to work?
Or because all of your friends are doing it?

People have babies and families and even buy houses together without getting married. People even live long and happy lives, side-by-side with the love of their life and never put a ring on it. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but it is done.

So why are you getting married?

I urge you to sit down with your fiance and discuss why you two are getting married. There are tons of reasons out there that just aren't good enough. Because marriage is hard and love isn't enough.

The Importance of A Recreational Companion

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

I bought a motorcycle ten years into our marriage. My wife wasn’t thrilled about my new hobby. Nobody in her immediate family owned a motorcycle. A few months later we went to Hawaii for vacation and I had a dream of renting a Harley on Oahu and riding it from Waikiki to the North Shore. I knew my wife wouldn’t want to go with me but she encouraged me to go ahead and rent one anyway. The night before my ride she said, “I’d like to go with you.” Yes! I was thrilled. She was willing to accompany me even though riding wasn’t her thing. We set off the next morning and rode along the coast with Carrie on the back of the Harley. We stopped along the way and jumped off a cliff together into the ocean. We ate lunch on the North Shore and shopped – something she loves to do. We rode back to Waikiki just as the sun was setting – a perfect day. A memory I will never forget.

WHY DON’T YOU DO THIS WITH ME ANYMORE?

In Willard Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs, he identifies a man’s need for a recreational companion. Harley ranked spending recreational time with his wife as the second greatest need that men have, second only to sex for the typical husband. We often put our best foot forward in the courtship which later can lead to disappointment after the “I do.” “Why don't you do this with me anymore?” is a common complaint. Harley cautions spouses that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. Men (especially) place a surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions.

ADAM WAS LONELY AND INCOMPLETE

The creation account says, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone.’” The same verse includes God’s solution: “I will make him a helper fit for him.” Eve was the solution to Adam’s deficiency (Genesis 2:18).

Two Hebrew words help us better understand the creation of Eve as the first woman. The word translated “helper.” This word is even used of God, sometimes, noting that He is our Helper. We would certainly not view God, as a Helper, as subservient to humans, nor should we understand the role of “helper” here as a position of subservience. The concept of an “ideal partner” seems to convey the thought best.

The second important Hebrew word in this verse, translated “fit.” It literally means “according to the opposite of him.” In other words, the focus is on an appropriate match. Eve was not created above or below Adam; she was complementary. The animals Adam had named each had an appropriate companion, and Adam was given a fitting companion as well. Eve was just right for him. Think in terms of “you complete me.”

The passage implies that Adam was lonely and incomplete by himself. He had been created for relationship, and it is impossible to have relationship alone. With the creation of Eve, Adam experienced the joy of love for another person.

BE A COMFORT, A FRIEND AND A CHEERLEADER

In Malachi 2:14 it says, “… She is your companion and the wife by covenant.”  The Hebrew root word implies an intimate partner, an accomplice. In the dictionary, a companion is one who accompanies another. In the middle of the Latin word companion is the word “pan.” Pan is bread, which is a “comfort food.” That is what a wife is, a comfort to her husband.

The verse goes on to say, “And your wife by covenant.” A covenant is a formal and binding agreement. The covenant implies that you are to be his wife and friend, a friendly friend - a lover and friend. When you were courting, you had no problem joining in his interests. Your interest in his favorite activities helped seal the marriage deal.

In fact, recreational compatibility is usually a crucial criterion for men in selecting a wife. Men place a big importance on recreational activity. Wives after marriage may encourage their husbands to continue their activities without them. This can be a dangerous choice by sending him off to his most enjoyable activity without you present to enjoy it with him. You are taking a risk that someone from the opposite sex may turn up to be his companion and he may fall in love. You are missing out on a golden opportunity to have fun together. I have talked with many wives who testify that the secret to their marriage is that they stayed together in pursing a recreational activity.

So, stay his companion, his friendly friend and his cheerleader. Of course it goes both ways. My wife played volleyball in high school and college and wanted to attend a women’s volleyball game at the University of Hawaii while on our Hawaiian vacation. Volleyball is not my favorite sport but I went with her and enjoyed it because I was with her. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and the result is the team wins.

Managing Marriage Expectations

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

Did you know that every disappointment involves an unmet expectation? I believe expectations can make or break a marriage relationship. Expectations about love and marriage can definitely have a powerful impact on relationships. “To a large degree, you will be disappointed or happy in life based on how well what is happening matches up with what you think should be happening” (Howard Markman & Scott Stanley, authors of Fighting For Your Marriage).

In the premarital counseling, I offer couples a whole session to discuss expectations. We examine expectations each potential spouse brings with them into the marriage, conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken. This session includes identifying, ranking, communicating and negotiating these expectations so that there are no major surprises going into the marriage.

Three Common Pitfalls Regarding Expectations

Below are some common pitfalls to avoid in regard to expectations:

Couples are often unaware of their own expectations:

Not until they already feel the frustration or disappointment of unmet expectations do couples realize they had made some dangerous assumptions about how things “should” go.

Expectations are unrealistic:

Hollywood movies, love songs, and pop-culture have a way of promoting and romanticizing unrealistic expectations. Sadly, this sets many couples up for real disappointment. Phrases like “one true soul-mate” and “you complete me” paint unrealistic pictures of relationships.

Couples fail to discuss their expectations:

There is a risk in expressing expectations. It opens you up to disagreement or rejection, and is therefore a vulnerable and risky thing to do. The risk of not expressing expectations, however, is to set your relationship up for disappointment, hurt, and anger.

Sample Expectations by a Bride

Below is an excellent example of twenty-five realistic expectations from a bride I recently married (used by permission). She read each expectation to her fiancé and they discussed them together and came to a mutual agreement on each expectation.

 ·         We will be faithful and honest to each other.

·         We will speak lovingly and respectfully to each other (no criticizing, belittling, ridiculing or name-calling or cussing) and we will validate each others' feelings.

·         We will go to couples therapy if at least one of us thinks we need to.

·         We will continue to meet each others' intimacy needs and when things get busy (like with children) we will be intentional about making time for it.

·         We will continue to be affectionate toward each other on a daily basis (holding hands, kisses, hugs).

·         I won’t work or will only work part time when our children are 0-3 (before preschool) and then I will go back to working more full time again.

·         There will be no physical or verbal abuse.

·         We will divide household chores evenly when we’re both working but I will do more when I’m not working and vice versa. You will be more responsible for fixing things in the house and the cars.

·         We will save money to travel somewhere once a year, and once every two years when we have children.

·         We will be responsible with our finances and make joint decisions.

·         We will make compromises for each other.

·         We will take responsibility for our health and take responsibility for eating well and staying active and try to look and feel our best.

·         You will be patient with me when I work through times of anxiety and high emotions.

·         We will be responsible for my special needs brother when my parents pass away.

·         We will continue to go out with friends and be active in our social lives together.

·         When we have babies, you will also help with waking up in the middle of the night and changing diapers (equal responsibility for the not-so-fun stuff).

·         We will be on each others' team when our children ask for something (instead of one parent saying yes and the other saying no, we’ll be on the same page and support each other) and not let our children get between our disputes.

·         We will support each other in our goals.

·         You will protect us and our family and be the take-charge person in a crisis situation.

·         I expect for the passion to ebb and flow but that we will work on keeping it alive when necessary; date nights, making time for each other, trying new things, getting away for a weekend, etc.

·         We will be intentional about making time for quality conversations.

·         We will continue to laugh every day and maintain our sense of playfulness; keep a sense of humor.

·         We will take individual responsibility for being the best people we can be (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) because marriage isn’t only about finding the right person but being the right person.

·         We will take time to check-in on our relationship and do couples retreats/ read couples books to continue to make our marriage the best that it can be.

·         If we had fertility issues or a child with a disability, we will be on each others' team and come up with a solution and take an equal part in supporting the child.