Silly Fights, Sage Advice, and Our Journey Journal

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

By this point I think you guys know how I feel about journals. I love them (as evidenced by the fact that I started filling one with letters to my future husband at the age of 14—you can read more about that in column 1). So I think you’ll understand the excitement I felt when, in the middle of writing last week’s column on four practical ways to cultivate intimacy in marriage, I discovered the coolest journal while scrolling through Instagram—the Our Journey Journal, a product that was created specifically for married couples!

Like we talked about last week, one of the most effective ways to foster intimacy in marriage is through communication. I loved the advice my friend Ericka shared, as it’s such a practical way to open the door to meaningful conversations: “Pray together and keep a prayer journal, or read either a devotional or marriage book at night before bed together.”

To me, the idea of keeping a joint prayer journal is a perfect ten. But here’s the thing. My husband has a serious thing against writing. As in...he loathes it. (Which is why it’s literally a miracle that he managed to write to me for six months before ever revealing that he had feelings of the non Pen Pal variety for me, but that’s another story.) But for my sake—and for the sake of actually taking the advice of my own marriage column—he agreed to try out the Our Journey Journal with me over the weekend. The verdict?

“It was a great conversation starter,” Taylor says.

Column advice was followed. Conversations were started. Intimacy was cultivated. Win win win! Since Taylor’s review is a little on the short side, though, here’s a little bit more about the Our Journey Journal from my perspective:

Writefully Said

1. It’s marriage-minded and requires joint participation...and I love it. The foreword says it all: “Marriage is a journey. It’s an amazing experience that’s unique to each couple! The trials, the triumphs, the milestones—they are all so important in defining your journey. So write it down, reminisce and reflect!” Taylor and I worked on the How We Met and Funnies sections this weekend and agreed not to look at each other’s answers until we had both finished. The biggest conversation starter turned out to be our responses to the “Silliest Fight” question...a disagreement about my desire to purchase an over-priced macaron while traveling in Vancouver (his answer) and the hurt feelings that ensued when he didn’t bring me back a donut from his morning Bible study at Dunkin’ Donuts (my answer). I know. We obviously need to lay off the sugar.

2. It’s a memory-maker for now and later. The journal’s Cost of Living and Current Events sections will be fun to look back on later in life...and I love that it makes the assumption that we’ll still be together in the future to do just that. (For the record, I do too.)

3. It’s lighthearted and serious at the same time. We can laugh while filling in our Firsts, Funnies, and Favorites, and talk seriously about our hopes and dreams when working through the Relationship Goals and Trials + Triumphs sections. Perfect balance.

4. It encourages you to seek wisdom from family members. The Awesome Advice section requires handing your journal over to loved ones to seek wisdom, and I’m so glad that we did! I expected my parents to contribute one or two lines, but they both returned the journal having completed an entire page. Here are a few tidbits that they shared with us:

• “Today you’ll hear, ‘I have to think of me,’ or ‘God wants me to be happy’ or ‘I don’t deserve this.’ Any statement that has ‘I’ and ‘me’ in it first smacks of selfishness. There’s no place for that in marriage.” -Mom

• “Marriage is the classroom where the PhD of ‘dying to self’ is earned! The greatest achievement is in the discovery of the mystery, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’” -Dad

• “Affirm, affirm, affirm. Look for what your spouse does right instead of pointing out the faults.” -Mom

• “I believe God designed marriage to be the chisel that is used to chip away our character defects and help us become our best selves. It is best to remember this when we become angry, and especially when the enemy speaks lies to us about ourselves and our mates.” -Dad

My parents wrote their entries separately, but their advice shared a common

denominator—the unsuitability of selfishness in marriage. (More on that here.) I’m so

thankful to have their words of wisdom and encouragement down on paper!

1. It includes a section for love letters (my favorite). Two weeks ago I shared that Taylor and I exchanged messages, care packages, and letters throughout our long-distance friendship turned courtship. As I was writing about the importance of continuing to pursue our spouses in marriage, though, I realized that I’m not fully practicing what I preach. I used to spontaneously send Taylor notes or emails just because I knew it would make him smile. Now that we live AND work together, I’ve fallen out of that habit...but I want to get back into it. I love that the Our Journey Journal has provided a place for me to do just that.

If you’re looking for a practical way to start applying some of the intimacy-building tips we discussed last week, I recommend picking up a copy of the Our Journey Journal from Aisle Always Love (and actually using it)! Cheers to you as you continue on your own marriage journey this week—through ups, downs, highs, and lows, it’s such a blessing to do life with your best friend. Even when he forgets to bring you the chocolate sprinkle donut you asked for. :)

Cultivating Intimacy in Marriage | Part 2

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

Welcome back to our conversation about cultivating intimacy in marriage! Today we’re going to talk about four practical ways to deepen our forever-long relationships. Before we dig into that list, though, let’s wrap up the backstory from last week’s column.

Like I said, although I may have thought that continuing to foster intimacy after saying “I do” was going to be easy, in reality, it has demanded that both of us put forth ongoing effort. See, Taylor and I took vows that included the words “until death do us part,” which means I’m kind of a sure thing...and vice versa. Taylor has already won my heart—but for our marriage to be the best it can be, he has to make the daily decision to continue to pursue it...and vice versa. So without further ado, here are four practical ways that Taylor, myself, and our team of experts (AKA two of my friends who gave me their input via text message) seek to cultivate ongoing and ever-increasing intimacy in marriage:

1. By setting aside time to communicate—Communication is simultaneously a Marriage 101 Prerequisite Class and a Husband-And-Wife-For-Life Graduate Degree. When we were dating practically all Taylor and I did was communicate—again, we dated long distance, so up-until-3-am phone calls were the norm. Now that we live together, however, it’s easy to take communication for granted. How quickly “Tell me your deepest secrets” can morph into “How was work” and “What’s for dinner” and “I’m out of underwear can you please do a load of laundry,” right? And yet, through the power of conversation, we have the ability to create new moments that are deep, real, and intimate, which in turn has the power to remind us of all the beautiful qualities that drew us to our respective spouses in the first place—something that really comes in handy when we’re lacking in the patience department due to the aforementioned underwear scenario. A practical way to open the door to meaningful conversation: “Pray together and keep a prayer journal, or read either a devotional or marriage book at night before bed together,” suggests my friend Ericka, who is currently re-reading The 5 Love Languages with her husband.

2. By doing projects together—My husband and I recently built a small backyard garden together (look out, Chip and Joanna Gaines). I would describe my thumb as a puke-ish shade of green and woodworking certainly isn’t Taylor’s favorite pastime, but you know what? We did it. We planted a garden. And whether the plants grow or they shrivel—spoiler alert: half of them are already total goners—that garden is ours. And we are (mostly) proud of it. Growing intimacy in this way doesn’t necessarily demand growing a garden, though. Also, projects don’t have to be sexy in order to lead to something sexy, as any woman whose husband has ever surprised her by doing the dishes can testify. Ahem. “I love working on things together, whether we’re cooking meals together or just doing something the other person likes,” says my friend Hannah. Which leads us to suggestion number three…

3. Saying “yes” to their interests—My husband loves to play basketball. I, on the other hand, have lost every round of HORSE I’ve ever played. But because I know he enjoys basketball—also lacrosse, football, frisbee and/or disc golf, regular golf, and the list goes on—I have tossed a ball with a LAX stick, thrown a football and a frisbee, taken a golf lesson, and the list goes on. I will be honest: Sometimes I tell Taylor to leave me alone and just let me read my book when we go to the beach. But other times, I say “yes” to what he wants to do, when he wants me to do it, because I know it will make him happy. Just like it makes ME happy when he says, “Hey, why don’t you take some time to paint today?” You may not be great at whatever hobby makes your spouse’s heart sing, but that’s not really the point—the point is letting your spouse know that you think it’s cool that they think something is cool. Besides, laughing together is another fabulous way to increase intimacy, so if losing a game of HORSE leads to that, all the better.

4. Creating a No Phone Zone—Creating a No Phone Zone is a practical way to recapture quality time together (see section three) and to create the right atmosphere for rich, intimate conversations to take place as well (refer back to section one for details). A No Phone Zone could look like…

   • Not using your phone at all in an agreed-upon room of your house, such as the bedroom. If you use your phone as an alarm, simply switch on the Airplane Mode before walking into the room to help you avoid the temptation to mindlessly scroll through [insert social media platform of choice here] right before bed.

   • Leaving your phone behind on certain agreed-upon occasions, such as date nights. Let’s get real: When we’re so focused on showing everyone else what a great time we’re having, the person we’re actually with in real life is no longer having a great time. So what if that Pad Thai looks totally Instagrammable? Sometimes—make that pretty much all of the time—it’s better to eat the food while it’s hot instead of taking pictures until it’s as cold as the look your spouse is giving you from across the table. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.

   • Starting and stopping phone usage at a certain agreed-upon time each day. Meaning if your “start hour” is at 8 a.m., you won’t check your email before then, and if your “stop hour” is at 8 p.m., you will resist the urge to look at Twitter to see what everyone else is saying about tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette.

Miss Jee's Photography

So there you have it: four (practical) ways to cultivate intimacy in marriage. If you’re struggling in one or more of these areas, please know that you’re not alone—we aren’t nailing the suggestions I outlined on a daily basis, either! Deepening a marriage relationship is easier said than done, especially when difficult or uncontrollable circumstances come into play. If intimacy feels far off right now, just pick one thing to try and work on together and go from there.

Do you and your spouse have any other suggestions for growing closer as a couple? Feel free to join my “team of experts” by commenting below!

Cultivating Intimacy in Marriage | Part 1

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

Did anyone else grow up Southern Baptist? If so, you’ve probably heard the word "intimacy" used as a substitute for the word “sex” fairly frequently—especially in church circles. I get it. It’s a more polite, discreet sort of word that is 10 times easier to say in front of pastors and parents alike. But even though the two words go hand-in-hand, intimacy doesn’t always mean sex. Which is why today we’re starting a conversation about the non-sexual side of intimacy and talking about ways that we can continue to cultivate it after exchanging vows!

Miss Jee's Photography

First, a little backstory. Around the age of 13 my parents taught me another definition of the word intimacy that I have never forgotten: into me you see. (If you say it really fast it even sounds like “intimacy” which makes the whole thing even cooler.) I love the picture this particular definition paints, especially because it puts into words exactly what I felt when I realized Taylor was “the one.”

Like I said in my first column, I began writing letters to my future husband in a little blue and white striped journal at age 14...and after just three days of conversation with Taylor I felt sure that one day it would belong to him. So sure, in fact, that I actually put those words down on paper and let the journal know that, finally, I had met its future owner.

I realize that probably makes me sound like I’m a girl who’s always been one Hallmark movie shy of nosediving into fantasyland. But the truth is that I took the faith-filled step to write those words in my journal not because of the overwhelming love I felt for Taylor—that hadn't fully formed yet—but because I felt to my core that Taylor had been given eyes to see me like my Heavenly Father does, and vice versa. I didn't have to pretend during our conversations. I didn't have to act. I didn't have to explain, or phrase things just the right way, or manipulate, or control, or present myself in the best possible light, or gloss over the ugly parts of myself or my story. I could be accepted and known and cared for just as I was…and I could rejoice in the new capacity growing within me to "love as [my Savior] first loved [me]." (1 John 4:19)

For the first time I had caught a glimpse of what into me you see really looks like...and I wanted more of it! Prior to marriage Taylor and I began to develop intimacy through five-hour long conversations on the phone (we dated long distance), sending notes and letters back and forth (I will forever treasure the Valentine I received with “50 things I love about you” handwritten on the back of the card), and dreaming (out loud and often) about our future together. And while I may have thought that continuing to foster intimacy after saying “I do” was going to be easy, in reality, it has demanded a good deal of intentionality.

I don’t have it all figured out yet—in fact, I’m not even close. But I’m learning more and more each day about what it looks like to continually pursue the heart of my spouse. Stay tuned for next week’s installment, where we’ll discuss four practical ways to cultivate intimacy in marriage!