AHA! So that’s why he always gets offended when I flip through Instagram while riding shotgun in the car! He wants to have a conversation with me—or at least have my help in deciphering Siri’s directions—and instead I tend to treat him like my own private chauffeur. Suddenly a lot of the silent treatment I receive post car ride(s) makes a lot more sense. It hurts Taylor’s feelings when I’m physically there without being mentally and emotionally present, just like it rubs me the wrong way when he refuses to rub my back.
Like everything else about the marriage journey, picking up on these cues has been a learning process for us. That’s (especially) because speaking Taylor’s love language requires more than just hearing what he’s saying—it means intentionally listening, and furthermore, it means responding in the way that he needs to be responded to.
I will never forget the day that we left for our honeymoon in Mexico. We were at the airport and Taylor wasn’t feeling so hot...stomach hurting, head aching, all that good stuff. I felt so bad for him and wanted nothing more than to comfort him, so I did exactly what I would have wanted him to do if the situation was reversed (that’s the Golden Rule, right?)—I scratched his back and rubbed his forehead. Now, if he was really a “physical touch” kind of guy, that gesture would have been right up his alley. So imagine my surprise when he said, “I don’t want this to hurt your feelings, but I really don’t like to be touched when I’m sick. It makes me feel worse.” Naturally, I was crushed. I had been a wife for all of 24 hours and already I had failed! Since then, though, I’ve learned that this simply isn’t the best way for me to tell Taylor “I love you” when he’s sick. Giving him space works much better.
The process of learning how to love your spouse in the way that they can best accept it is often difficult and counterintuitive, which is why I think it must be the PhD of marriage. But when you finally start to grasp it, the reward is seeing your best friend’s heart come to life. There is no greater feeling!
Do you have any “sick at the airport” stories about struggling to speak your spouse’s love language? I’d love to hear them!
