Staying in Love Series Part III // DATE NIGHT

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

One key habit I encourage every couple to develop in their marriage is to have a Date Night. I consider date nights essential for staying in love, staying connected and keeping the relationship on track. 

WE NEED MORE COURTING IN MARRIAGE

It’s been said, “If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.” 

In fact, a report released by the National Marriage Project found that couples who manage to devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates compared to couples who do not devote as much couple time to one another. The bottom line is date nights can dramatically enhance your relationship.

“Sustaining intimacy is probably the most challenging task a human being has in his or her lifetime,” says Jared Scherz, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples. Most marriages begin with romantic love that is linked to passion, excitement and an overwhelming sense of attraction to one another. However, over time the passion can fade if you do nothing to nurture it. Date nights have the potential to take a boring marriage and make it exciting, meaningful and fun again.  

I'M OLD SCHOOL

Earlier in our marriage I asked my wife what I could do to better meet her needs. “Ask me out on more dates,” she said. "Just ask me. I won’t say no - I’m easy!” I got the hint. I now ask her out on a date nearly every week unless I am out of town traveling for work. It keeps us connected and involved in each others' lives. If we didn’t have our consistent date night, we’d be like two ships passing in the night. 

Unfortunately, more than 30% of women told Glamour Magazine they haven’t been on a real date in more than a year, and that 88% of women in relationships don’t have regular date nights.

I’m a bit old school when it comes to dating. I believe guys should take the initiative and ask their wives out on a date. I have nothing against the wife occasionally asking the husband, in fact I think it’s healthy, but I think the main responsibility rests with husbands.

If you are a wife reading this post, do yourself a favor and share it with your husband. Let him know that Pastor Dave is challenging him to develop the habit of taking you out on a date once a week, to be intentional about having a consistent Date Night.

DATE NIGHT IS IMPORTANT, ESPECIALLY FOR MOMS

Here are some quotes by some wives on the importance of Date Night:

"Date Night is something to look forward to. It’s a treat. It’s when I get to put my feet up and have a nice meal prepared for me. I know that if I have date night on the horizon, I can make it through a long week.”

"As a homemaker and mother, I never really get to clock-out and leave my responsibilities at work. Break time for me is usually bedtime. Everyone needs a break once in a while."

"Date Night refreshes me and gives me energy to continue doing well in my roles as worker and mom.”

"Date Night provides the opportunity for grown-up conversation."

"Date night reminds me that one of my roles is also being a wife; and it reminds me what fun that role is!"

"Date Night gives me time with my guy when I have his full attention. When my husband plans Date Night, it shows me that I am a priority to him, that he cherishes me and values my roles as homemaker and mother. It also communicates to me that I am more than a nanny and a maid. I am desirable to him and he wants to be with me.”

Need I said anymore about the importance of Date Night?

FORGET HOW TO DATE?

Maybe it’s been years since you and your spouse have been on a real date. Here are a few tips on how to shake off the rust and reconnect:

-- Schedule It: Most experts recommended that couples shoot for once a week. We have found that weekly works best for us.

-- Be Flexible: If one you gets sick or something comes up just reschedule the date.

-- Budget for It: View date night as an investment in your relationship. My wife prefers to go out to dinner for most of out date nights so I budget for it each week.

-- Turn off the cell phone: The only person you want to talk to is right in front of you.

-- Talk about your relationship and have fun together: “If you’re talking about the kids or their bills, it’s not a date,” says Lisa Brateman, a New York-based psychotherapist and relationship specialist. “Those issues are still going to be there on Monday.”

-- Look Nice: You don’t need to get all dressed up, although that is fun to do occasionally. But dress nice for each other as you go out on your date.

-- Just Do It: Don’t let money be the reason you don’t date. There are plenty of great ways to have cheap date if necessary. Be intentional about spending time with the one you love. Your wedding ceremony shouldn’t be the end of your dating life, rather it should be just the beginning. 

Be Thankful Every Day

Written with love, by Felicia Zammit-McMann

With Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) just around the corner, I wanted to focus this month's article on the power of being thankful. We’ve all heard of gratitude journals, and the reason they work is because they make you focus on the little things (or big things) that bring joy to your life every day - the things that may otherwise go unnoticed or forgotten.

It’s easy to get distracted with your wedding planning and in your married life. It happens to the best of us. But when you stop and take a moment and think about what you are truly thankful for, it helps to bring perspective into, what otherwise could be, a very chaotic time in your life.

Let’s start with your engagement ring. Yes, it’s beautiful and of course you’re thankful your man proposed. But let’s dig a little deeper. I often find myself looking at my ring and thinking about the story behind it. All the time and effort that went into looking for the ring, dropping thousands on what could otherwise easily be a down payment on a car, and the planning that went into our proposal. I’m thankful for every moment that led to me meeting my husband, for every moment that led to me getting that ring and thankful that my husband loves me enough to make me his wife. Do you ever find yourself thinking the same thing?

Think about everything that came into your possession since your engagement. Your dress, your shower gifts, the parties and showers, the well wishes. Yes, receiving all that is somewhat of a given, but no one HAS TO do any of it.

What about these folks...

Your Bridal Party

For many of us, it’s assumed that if you ask someone to be by your side on your big day, they will say yes. However, do you ever think about how thankful you are to them for the financial investment they are making for you? Between their dresses, hair, makeup, nails, flight, hotel stay, plus wedding gift. That’s a big commitment!

Wedding Guests

Again, just because you send an invite, doesn’t mean they HAVE TO come.

Many guests travel near and far to be with you. Having a room full of people that saved that date just for you is part of what made our wedding so special. Seeing everyone we care about in one room, together, for us, was truly unbelievable. Then, when we opened our gifts and realized how generous people were to us, it just sent us over the top. They didn’t have to do that.

Your Wedding Vendors

Think about their jobs. Most weddings take place on a weekend, so that means that the workers, whether it be your photographer, your limo driver, your servers, hotel staff, your florist, cake baker, etc., have to give up their weekend to be with you. Could you do that? Even if you were paid? I know I wouldn’t be willing to give up my weekends so easily. 

Your Spouse

The one you love the most can often be the person you take for granted the most. When was the last time you thanked your spouse (or future spouse) for taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, or shoveling your car out from the snow? (Yes, for those of us on the east coast, that time is coming again soon!)

Be thankful each and every day.

Get Rid of Anger

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from a older woman in my church, prior to getting married. She simply said, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” That advice, to settle accounts quickly, has served us well over the years. We haven’t always done it but it is our goal. 

Let’s face it, we all get angry. One study showed that men lose their temper six times per week while women lose their temper three times a week. Anger is most intense toward those we love, not toward strangers. We express our anger most frequently in our home so getting rid of anger is crucial for staying in love.

Anger is a choice, it’s a natural human feeling and it’s a secondary emotion. We bolt over to anger after we’ve been hurt. Anger, per se, isn’t wrong; the key is how we respond. One writer says, "Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry - but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.”1

What happens when we go to bed angry? If we fall asleep thinking about it we can begin to ruminate on it in the shower the next morning. If the anger persists we can become angry people. Now, it’s not that we get angry, we are angry. Anger becomes a characteristic attitude. We become time bombs just waiting to go off. Prolonged anger turns into bitterness and bitterness kills marriages.

What’s the remedy? Some therapists tell us to express our anger outwardly by screaming into a pillow, or by beating a piñata with a baseball bat, or by hitting a golf ball and pretending it’s your spouse’s head.  However, expressing anger only intensifies it.

Should we suppress anger? No.

The only way to effectively deal with the anger is to replace it with something far better. What do we replace it with? The same writer said, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger ...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other as ... God forgave you.”2 Replace anger and bitterness with kindness and compassion by forgiving your spouse. 

As we journey in our marriages we all get hurt and wounded and we can end up carrying around these things for weeks, months, and sometimes even years. After a while these hurts can get really heavy. So the only way to feel better seems to be getting back at them, seeking revenge. But does revenge ever truly satisfy? Maybe forgiving isn't something you do for someone else to let them off the hook.

Maybe forgiveness is about you.

God didn't create you to carry these wounds around. You were created to be free. 

Forgive as you have been forgiven. Let it go. Surrender the right to get revenge. Keep short accounts. Forgive and live. You have choice, to live angrily ever after or to live happily ever after.

1 Ephesians 4:26 (Message translation)

2 Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)