Online Dating + Arranged Marriage

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

These days it’s common to belong to a dating website like Match.com, eHarmony.com or Zoosk.com. Many couples I have had the privilege of marrying found each other online. Online dating has led to many successful happy marriages, and the same can be said for arranged marriages. Is online dating the new arranged marriage?

SIMILARITIES

You might think, is an arranged marriage even remotely similar to online dating? Well, think about an online dating website. You fill out your profile – your personality type, interests, beliefs and education. Then the website pairs you up with people based on common interests. Dating proceeds and you can either meet the man or woman of your dreams or just enjoy a few fun dates.

Now think about arranged marriages...your parents pick your partner, keeping in mind your unique personality, along with their expectations of the people they want their kin to be with. You go on a (supervised) date, and if things click you have yourself a match!

Arranged marriages are a type of union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other, common worldwide until the 18th century. And in early Jewish culture, the parents always arranged marriages. The parents would pick a wife for their son, sometimes even at five years old.

The parents would arrange marriages because they thought they could use better judgment because of their own experience knowing the pros and cons of marriage. They thought they were better suited to make such an important decision. The kids, just like today, disagreed and there was often conflict.

A FAMILY CONSIDERATION

When the couple would marry, the young woman would become a part of the family so the family was very interested in who this person was. The father of the young man would begin the negotiations and choose “the friend of the bridegroom.” He was the go-between who would set up negotiations and the dowry. He would set up the deal and the parents would come together. Once a decision was made it was sealed over a cup of coffee and they would enter into the betrothal.

One year before the marriage there was a period of engagement called the betrothal. The future groom would give his bride a gold ring that meant you were taken and that’s when the dating began, after the betrothal. Once the betrothal began they could not get separated unless there was a legal divorce.

Interestingly enough, there are countries today that still practice the same procedure. You still see arranged marriages in the Orient especially in India. And the divorce rate of arranged marriages is extremely low.

BIZARRE, BARBARIC OR BRILLANT?

I have a good friend named Priscilla and she is from Chennai, India. Her parents moved to the United States when she was a young girl. A clash of cultures occurred and yet her parents still arranged her marriage. I’ve watched her marriage over the years and recently got together with the couple. They have an extremely happy and successful marriage. As a teenager I used to think that prearranged marriages were bizarre and barbaric. Now that I’m a parent of three kids … I think it is BRILLIANT! :)

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Now we want to hear from you! How do you feel about arranged marriages and online dating? Did you meet your spouse or future spouse one of these ways?

The Best Investment I Ever Made

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

The best investment I ever made was the investment I made in my future wife. I’d like to say it was planned but I’d be lying. I met Carrie when I was fifteen years old and she was fourteen. I remember playing basketball at our high school gym and pausing to watch Carrie Marie Finch practice her volleyball serve against the wall. I was mesmerized.

I asked my younger sister (Suzy) to tell Carrie that I though she was cute – so Junior High.  A week later, I asked my sister if she’d shared the earth-shattering news. “Yeah, I told her,” she replied. “What did she say?” I asked. “That’s nice,” she replied. Oh well. I figured there were other fish in the sea so I never asked her out. We did become friends but dated other people for over ten years. I went to New Orleans for college and she went to Minneapolis. One summer I came home and started attending a Bible Study that Carrie also began attending. A group of fifty college students from the Bible Study were going to Hume Lake Christian Camp, a popular camp located in the beautiful Sierra Nevada Mountains in northern California.

INVESTING IN MY FUTURE WIFE

I was in charge of signing people up from our Bible Study. Everyone in our group was going except Carrie. “Why isn’t Carrie going?” I asked. Our Bible Study leader shared with me that Carrie was one of seven siblings. Her father was a Junior High School principal and her mother was a stay at home mom so they couldn’t afford to send here to camp. “I’ll pay for her to go,” I told the Bible Study leader. “But you have to promise not to tell her. Just say that an anonymous donor gave the money.” I said. The Bible Study leader shared the good news with Carrie. She was thrilled she could go. The camp experience was fabulous.

Five years later I was working at Nordstrom when Carrie walked in just ten minutes before I was off work. I hadn’t seen her in years. She was in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and her hair was messed up from working out. I thought to myself, “If she’s looks that good after working out, just think how she’d look all cleaned up.” I said hello to her and then asked if she was married. “No, how about you?” she asked. “Nope. Hey, I’m off in ten minutes. Would you like to grab a bite to eat?” I asked. “I’d love to,” she replied.

We went out to dinner together and had a fantastic time. The air was electric. As I walked her to her car it hit me about paying for camp. I’d forgotten all about it until now. “Remember when we went to Hume Lake Camp in college?” I asked. “Yeah, that was really fun,” she replied. “Did you know that I paid for you to go?” I asked. “Get out of here. You did not,” she replied. “Yep, that was me. I’d forgotten about it over the years but wanted you to know,” I said. “Wow. I don’t know what to say. Thanks,” she replied.

I admitted to her that I’d had a crush on her since we were teenagers. She shared that she’d had a crush on me as well. Who knew? “Remember when my sister told you that I thought you were cute?” I asked. “Yeah, but I thought she meant your younger brother John,” she replied. I have a brother who is a year younger. “I didn’t know she meant it was you,” she said.

RETURN ON INVESTMENT

Two weeks after our fateful meeting I asked her out on our first official date. Three months later I told her that I loved her and nine months later I asked for her hand in marriage. The wisest investment you can ever make is always in people. My investment in my wife before we were married has paid tremendous dividends for over twenty-five years. Now that’s was I call a good return on investment!

Make every date your first date!

Think back to the first date you had together...the butterflies in your stomach, the smile that just couldn't get erased off of your face, that feeling.

Whether you took a trip to the movies, went on a casual date to Starbucks or got dressed up for a fancy dinner, there is one thing that I would guess 99% of our first dates had in common...

Your cell phone was not to be seen or heard.

I knew my husband for three years before we ever went on a date. So while I remember the exact moment we met, I don't really remember where our "first date" was three years later. But I can tell you one thing, there is no way I pulled my cell phone out at any point during that date.

This is the first night we met ---------->>

I most likely pulled it out immediately after the date to text my best friends and my sisters but other than that, he had no clue what type of cell phone I owned. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago - My husband and I were having a bad week. We were both stressed out, had busy weeks at work, and just seemed to be arguing about everything under the moon. So we decided to take a date night!

We went to one of our favorite casual restaurants in Malibu. It is a "order at the counter and wait until they call your number out" kind of restaurant and we parked our car across the street, backed in so the trunk was facing the ocean, and had a little picnic in the trunk of our car. It was a great refresher from the week but there was one thing I noticed while we were waiting for our food: we both had our cell phones out on the table and at one point or another, we texted someone, refreshed our Facebook, or checked an email.

Now this is something that NEVER would have happened on our first date. And so, I have come up with a plan for all of us.

Make every date, your first date.

Act as though you've never met. Talk about life, hobbies, and interests - you may think you know everything about each other, but there are always new stories to tell and moments to share. Talk about your day, help each other solve a problem at work and do anything you would've done on your first date. Kiss, hug, hold hands and let those butterflies come back. And most of all, keep that cell phone out of sight!

Pulling out that cell phone to text on a first date may be a deal breaker for many of us. And pulling out that cell phone could be a deal breaker in marriage too. Of course, a single instance wouldn't break up a marriage, but the lack of communication, lack of a listening ear, and lack of true dating could lead to your fall. So laugh, listen, and continue to learn...without your cell phone present.

Cheers to first dates!