When Conflict Happens, Call A Marital “Time Out”

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

There are times in conflict when we feel overwhelmed with emotion and find it hard to think clearly. Anger gets the best of us and we say things that we later regret. During such times, we lose sight of our own responsibility and focus on what is wrong with our partner. Communication breaks down and the more we try to address the problem, the worse it gets.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman, Ph.D. emphatically states that one of the keys to marital success is not whether or not you argue with your spouse but “how you argue – whether your style escalates tension or leads to a feeling of resolution.”

Gottman states that it’s more important to “deal with the emotions” that get stirred up during a disagreement than to actually solve the immediate problem at hand. In working with couples, his major goal is to “break the cycle of negativity and give whatever natural repair mechanisms you already have in your repertoire a chance to work.”

One antidote to a heated argument is to take a break, what I like to call a Time Out. Just like in sports, a coach or player will call a time out to help the team catch their breath, regroup, strategize, and to stop the momentum of the other team. In marriage, a Time Out creates space for couples to calm down, to take responsibility for their own actions and to get into a different state of mind to find solutions.

Below are 6 tips for taking a marital time out:

1. Mutually Agree to Use Time Outs as a Conflict Resolution Tool in Your Marriage

You agree that you will call time outs to calm down, to change your state of mind, to create space and have some time to reflect on what to do next.

2. Time Out Means All Discussion Stops Immediately

All discussion about what each person wants from the other stops until both people can return to a calm and rational mind and body. Time Out is temporary with a promise both parties will return to rational discussion later. Do NOT use a Time Out as an avoidant mechanism. Important issues must be addressed and there are healthy ways to discuss when both people are calm.

3. Respect the Time Out

Just like in pick up basketball, when a player calls a foul on another player you respect the call and give him the ball. When a spouse calls a time out you respect the call and drop your end of the rope immediately.

4. Make the Time-Out Short

I encourage couples to do ten-minute time outs. Whichever spouse calls the Time Out becomes the timer. That spouse will watch the clock and call “time in” after ten minutes. If tempers still haven’t calmed down you have an option to call back-to-back Time Outs if needed. Either spouse can call a Time Out at any time.

5. Soothe Yourself and Reflect on a New Course of Action

Use the time to soothe yourself. Focus on relaxing as you take deep breaths. Let go of any angry or self-righteous thoughts. Once you are calm, use the time to reflect on why you were feeling angry. What might you be feeling underneath the anger? Sad? Hurt? Lonely? Afraid? Can you try to express those softer, more vulnerable feelings to your spouse when you begin talking again? Consider what you might do differently when you re-engage.

6. Re-Engage and Repair

Remember that the crisis is not over. Once your heart rate has returned to normal and you have a better sense of what triggered it and what else you were feeling besides just being angry, its time to re-engage and talk things through. Sometimes after this calming down period, partners realize that what they were fighting about wasn’t important enough to fight about. Sometimes partners agree to disagree on a particular subject. Neither of you may want to stir up the negative feelings again so you may be tempted not to discuss it anymore. However, it is really important to repair the damage that was done and to apologize for the hurts caused by the things you said or did prior to the Time Out.

Some things to avoid when calling a Time Out include: storming away, staying angry, and trying to resolve problems when you’re hungry, tired or stressed out. Contrary to popular belief, often times the best thing we can do is to go to bed angry (as long as we re-visit the issue in a timely manner, and don’t carry the grudge with us throughout the next day). The next morning can bring with it a different perspective and a softened heart.

Time Outs can be an effective tool in your marital tool belt.

3 Ways to Prevent Wedlock from Turning into Deadlock

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

Many couples getting married these days will sooner or later move from wedlock to deadlock, from contentment to conflict, and from being a duet to becoming a duel.

So in order to prevent this, here are 3 ways to prevent wedlock from turning into deadlock:

1.      Communicate Your Expectations.

We all enter marriage with preconceived expectations. Couples will never have harmony in marriage until expectations are brought out into the open. Expectations should be discussed, examined, challenged, modified and agreed upon. The bottom-line: our expectations must be communicated to one another.

A husband was talking to his pastor about expectations and the possibility of divorce. “I want to remind you that you took her for better or worse,” said the pastor. “Yeah, but she turned out much worse than I took her for,” said the husband. The wife chimed in, “Yeah and I didn’t realize my husband was so temperamental – 90% temper and 10% mental.”

Few issues lead to the deadlock of a marriage more certainly than unfulfilled expectations. One of the complaints heard most frequently by marriage counselors is, “my needs are not being met.” This often-heard lament is typically translated “what I expected has not come to pass.”

2.      Integrate Your Aspirations.

Integrate your aspirations, dreams, goals and plans. Too many couples live in two different worlds. If you want to keep your wedlock from becoming deadlock, you need to synchronize your lives together. Creating goals as a couple is one of the most powerful and connecting things you can do. Have fun with it and see where it takes you - there is nothing better than sharing your success with someone you love. Having common goals brings unity, purpose, progress, growth, and stability.

My wife and I plan a special trip each year. This year we went to Hawaii and next year we’re going to Italy for our anniversary. It’s fun to agree on a destination. It gives you something to look forward to and untimely leads to creating a happy memory together.

3.      Negotiate Your Irritations.

Negotiate your irritations, confrontations and differences. It’s been said, “Opposites attract and then opposites attack.” Conflict is inevitable but combat isn’t. What’s sad is that many couples stay busy just to avoid each other because they’re afraid of conflict. Conflict isn’t necessarily bad. A marriage that goes the distance results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim “we never fight” is a sign of marital health. The reality is that we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. Conflict resolution requires humble confessing and honest forgiveness. That's how we become more loving people and truly experience all that marriage has to offer.

Questions to Consider

Do you and your spouse compete with each other or compliment one another? Are you moving in the same direction with each other or drifting? Are you both on the same team? Are you growing together or growing apart? Are you closer today or further away then you were a year ago? Do you share more in common or less in common today?

Happiness in marriage is related to how we deal with our expectations, aspirations, and irritations. To develop unity in marriage we must learn to give and take.

#IWedForMarriage

Believe it or not, a wedding isn't about the spectacle. It isn't about how much money you spent to create a beautiful evening, about hiring one of the best photographers in the nation in hopes of at least one of your photos going viral, and it isn't about getting published in a top magazine or on a top wedding blog. Despite popular belief, a wedding isn't about any of that. 

The Amburgeys

Yes, I am a wedding blogger and wedding planner. I love weddings and I believe in weddings. I believe they are a wonderful time for your family and friends to come together for a fun evening of dinner, dancing and celebrating, because this may be one of the few times you can get everyone together all in one place. And this is a wonderful, beautiful day in your lives that should be shared and celebrated.  We are not celebrating a wedding, we are celebrating...

a Marriage.

The purpose of a wedding is to get married. There is no other purpose. If you weren't getting married, would you throw a big party? Maybe? But there would most likely be some occasion...a birthday, a new house, a baby...but in this case, the one and only purpose of your wedding is your marriage.

So in order to keep your wedding marriage-focused, I've come up with some of the top things to consider while planning for your big day:

1. Don't Pay on Credit

One of the top reasons for divorce is finances, so do yourself a favor and spend only what you can afford then and there, rather than starting your marriage off in debt.

2. Make decisions for the both of you.

Don't argue, bicker, or fight about the small stuff. Because that's all it is - small stuff. Focus on the large issues like what kind of ceremony you will have, what readings you want to be read, and the items that truly have meaning in your marriage. Favors, colors, and decor are NOT going to make a difference in your marriage 5 years from now. I promise.

3. Don't try to impress.

The more you focus your wedding on others and who you are going to impress - the internet, your friends, your family - the less your wedding will be focused on YOU. And your wedding is about the two of you and your marriage, not anyone else.

Keep your wedding marriage-focused, rather than wedding focused, and you will be off to a great start! If you believe in all of this and want to keep your wedding marriage-focused, post a photo of you and your future spouse and #IWedForMarriage.