The "You deserve to be treated like a princess" Fallacy

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

Like most other 90s babies, I was raised on Disney. Aurora, Belle, Cinderella...from A-Z, if you name a Disney princess I can guarantee you that the movie she stars in has a home in my video cassette collection (yes, I said cassette). 

I loved these stories growing up, so naturally, as a young woman I also loved (and believed) the "you deserve to be treated like a princess" line people are so fond of saying. I deserved to be adored. I deserved to be protected. I deserved to have my needs met. I deserved to be given the best of everything. That all sounded great to me!

Here's the thing, though. Sometimes in my selfishness, my belief in and affinity for that line has led me to forget that my husband is not the hired help. He's not my butler or my carriage driver or my crown polisher or my co-star in the Disney film starring me. He is my husband. My teammate. My partner. My equal. Meaning that even when I'm not getting the treatment I feel that I "deserve" to receive, I'm going to remain committed to loving him. Even if he strings together two non-adoring days in a row. Even if he slips and starts to treat me like the cook. Even then, I'm going to remain constant in my pledge to love and to honor him until death do us part.

I'm still thinking through the influence lines like this have had on me over the years, but here's what I know so far: When I'm wearing my (imaginary) princess crown, I'm basically sitting around waiting to be served by my husband. But when I'm wearing my teammate hat, I'm looking for ways to serve him, too. And with all my heart, I believe it's our daily choice to maintain this kind of you-before-me love that will ultimately lead us to our own happily ever after.

When Disaster Strikes

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

Although I'm a Texas born-and-bred girl, my husband and I have called Hilton Head Island home for the past two years. I love everything about our little island life. Bike rides around the neighborhood. Walks on the beach in the middle of the day when we need a break from work. Our church community. Even our amazing grocery stores (seriously, I look forward to going shopping at our Kroger). Hilton Head is our happy place in every possible way. We fell in love here, got married here, and have made a home here. I never imagined what it might be like to lose it.

Before you read any further know that, thankfully, we didn't lose it during Hurricane Matthew. Our home took a hit from downed trees but, praise God, our roof remained intact and we did not experience flooding. We know that so many others on the island and in other affected areas will be returning home to much, much worse.

But despite the good news, there is debris. There is change. There is the reality of being without power, water, and sewage...basic utilities I have consistently taken for granted until now, when I haven't washed my hair for four-going-on-five days (and forgot to pack dry shampoo while preparing to evacuate).

Evacuation. There's a word that has never felt as real to me as it does now. Natural disaster. Despite the news coverage I've seen and the stories I've read in the past, that's a term I have never felt a personal tie to until this experience. With words like these floating around more often than not lately, I'm reminded of how fragile the illusion of control I cling to really is.

They say that times of crisis reveal your true priorities, and, well, I grabbed all my journals and not a lot else while packing, so I guess that speaks for itself. Wedding albums, paintings, knick knacks, stacks of letters, favorite books - they didn't suddenly lose their value. They just became nonessential. Evacuating provided me with the rare chance to remember that even if everything I left behind was lost, I would be rich in the family members and memories and years of documented heart cries and answered prayers that left home with me.

Those easy, cliche connections so frequently drawn between the storms of nature and the storms of life suddenly feel new and fresh to me. For the first time in the three years since we exchanged vows, I'm thinking about the fact that our pastor mentioned the "evacuation route" signs posted across the island during our wedding ceremony, and added that evacuation isn't an option in marriage. I'm thinking about how true it is that no matter what we face in the future, as long as Taylor and I stay united in our pursuit of our Heavenly Father and each other, we can weather it. I'm thinking about what might have happened to our home if the town had failed to implement the beach restoration project that went on all summer long, which reminds me of a truism Taylor and I learned during premarital counseling - "The time to repair the roof is while the sun is still shining." I'm thinking about the choices we have when faced with unexpected circumstances - anger and self-centered frustration, or assurance and others-motivated service. I'm thinking that there's no point in anticipating the next disaster or dwelling on "what ifs" and visions of the future filtered through fear, but there is wisdom in living life with open hands and an open heart; with our eyes constantly fixed on who and what really matters.

Please continue to keep all of the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew, especially Haiti, in your prayers during this time, and consider donating to disaster relief efforts coordinated through organizations such as Samaritan's Purse if you feel so led. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/


Before the Clean Up

Marriage Advice - When Disaster Strikes
Marriage Advice - When Disaster Strikes

AFTER CLEAN UP

Marriage Advice - When Disaster Strikes

For Better or Worse: Journeying Toward Contentment

Written with love, by Karley Kiker

What if this is it?

Have you ever asked yourself that question, particularly in relation to your marriage?

What if his salary never increases? What if we’re stuck in this apartment forever? What if I never get the chance to pursue MY dreams? What if we never have children?

Us “achievement driven” personality types tend to be like that—fearful in the stillness, overly introspective. We scan our resumes constantly inside our heads, wondering what other people think about what we're doing now and next; if they tsk and they tut and they whisper that we never quite measured up to our potential.

Am I a disappointment? Are they happier than we are? Am I doing this marriage thing wrong? Are we missing out on something?

Afraid of the answers to these questions, we put our heads down and we work. Hard. We set out to prove to ourselves and our spouses and that gallery of imaginary onlookers that we are capable of more. We assure ourselves that once we get that raise, or travel to that country, or get that degree, or make an offer on that house, we'll find it. Contentment.

The feeling that we've "made it." That we've "arrived." That we've attained the fulfillment, peace, and unshakeable assurance we've been longing for. That finally, we’re riding into the sunset of the happily-ever-after fairy tale Disney promised us.

Bleudog Fotography

Bleudog Fotography

I was living and working as an au pair in Monaco when the Lord first spoke this into my life: "I am enough."

During that time I was spending weekends traveling to Saint Tropez, Cannes, and Venice. The house I was living in was built on the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea. The jogging trails I ran boasted views of snow-capped mountains on one side and the beach on the other. Walking into town was like getting a front-row seat at fashion week. Quite literally, the best of everything was laid out before me. It was glittery and it was romantic. But it wasn't enough. I was lonely. I craved companionship. I dreaded the quietness of the house when the family left for the day.

As a married couple, Taylor and I experienced the same thing while traveling as a team to Europe last year, which has always been a dream of ours. Did we see incredible things? Yes. Did all of our problems magically disappear simply because we were surrounded by castles and cobblestone? Um, not even close. We still fought. We still got antsy. We still got tired. The issues we deal with at home didn’t stay there—they came with us in our backpacks and demanded just as much attention as usual.

I don’t have a “5 Ways to Find Contentment” article for you today, but what I do have is a verse that, believe it or not, actually ties into the marriage vows that many of us exchanged.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." Phil. 4:12-13

“For better or for worse.” “For richer or poorer.” These things are easy to promise amid the excitement of the wedding day, but so much more difficult to live out. I’m still learning the art of (daily) finding contentment in all facets of my life, a process that usually begins with ditching the practice of comparison. At my worst, I give in to looking at all the things about my life that aren’t what or where I want them to be. But at my best, here’s what I believe:

I believe that if I spend the rest of my life bringing the Lord glory by making my husband's lunch, it is possible for me to not only be "okay," but to be "filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." I believe that I can be deeply satisfied in exercising the gifts the Lord has given me, even if the books I write are never published. I believe I can find purpose in speaking into the heart of just one person and loving them well, even if my platform never grows any bigger. I believe that life is a vapor, and no matter how many pretty things or experiences I accumulate while on this earth, I cannot take them with me when I die. I believe that even if I lost the people, the things, and the dreams I treasure most; even if one day I find myself standing alone in the middle of my darkest hour; even then Christ's grace will be sufficient for me. Even then I can find joy. Even then I can rest in the knowledge that He—not my husband, not my job, not my status—is my all in all, and He is enough.