Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

Why did you marry your spouse? Some husbands might say, “She turned me on.” Some wives might say, “He made me laugh.” I married my wife because she was beautiful, had a great personality and was a woman of faith.

The Detroit Free Press did a marriage study and found that the majority of people surveyed chose their partners based on physical and sexual appeal. Seventy percent of those surveyed said if they had to do it over again they would not have married the same person. Now that’s a sad statistic. Researcher Terry Schultz said, “If they had to choose again they would choose someone who has the ability to communicate.”

Redbook Magazine asked a group of 730 marriage counselors to list the most common marriage problems that divide and push couples apart. The #1 answer was a breakdown in communication. Poor communication is the top problem in marriage today.

A couple’s happiness depends, to a large extent, on the effectiveness of their communication. It’s been said, “Marriage is like a three ring circus. First, comes the engagement ring. Second, comes the wedding ring. Third, comes suffering.” Maybe you feel the pain.

Below are 3 Communication Tips for a Better Marriage:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”[1]

1. DEVELOP A LISTENING HEART (Be Quick to Listen).

What does it mean to be quick to listen? Ready, alert, eager to listen. One of the reasons why effective communication is so difficult is because people think of communication consisting primarily of the art of speaking. Yet experts tell us that the most critical element in communication is the art of listening. King Solomon said, “To answer before listening - that is folly and shame.”[2]

It’s been said, “God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we would listen twice as much as we speak.” Every time you listen to your partner you're saying, “You matter to me. I value you. You're important.”

2. LEARN TO SAY IT STRAIGHT (Be Slow to Speak).

How do you say it straight? Say it honestly and lovingly. Speak the truth in love, except if she asks you if her dress makes her look fat.

Say it with support. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”[3]

My mom often said, “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” Your spouse needs a healthy diet of positive words that will build her up. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” That's just not true. Words can devastate you and your spouse. Your spouse may forgive what you said but they may never forget the awful name you called them in the heat of an argument.

3. BE SLOW TO BECOME ANGRY (Respond with Grace).

Solomon said, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.”[4]

Learn to respond with grace and not anger. What is grace? Grace is a gift from God. It is the unmerited, loving favor and graciousness of our Creator. As you receive his grace it’s important that you extend it to others, in this case your spouse. When we become angry it destroys our communication. The fact is we all get angry. Anger in itself is not a sin. Anger is a secondary emotion that we bolt over to when we've been hurt or something we want has been blocked.

If you truly are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to become angry.

[1] James 1:19-21
[2] Proverbs 18:13
[3] Ephesians 4:29
[4] Proverbs 29:11

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

As a pastor, the biggest complaint I hear from women is, “My husband just won’t talk to me.” Why is that scenario so common? Men and women are very different. He doesn't have the same emotional intensity that you do. Men are often taught to suppress their emotions - big boys don't cry.

Biological Differences

Researchers took little girls and little boys between the ages of 4 and 6 and hooked them up to microphones and studied them as they played on the playground. With little girls they found out that 100% of the things that came out of their mouths were verbal. They were either talking to another person or talking to themselves. Ladies grow up and still do this. I hear a conversation in the other room and ask, “Honey, who are you talking to?” “Oh, it's just me talking to myself,” she says.

When our two girls were little they liked playing with dolls. They enjoyed having the dolls talk to each other. One time they handed the dolls to me so I would do the same thing and honestly I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss.

Little girls love to talk and they grow up and become women. One study found that the average woman speaks 20,000 words per day with gusts up to 30,000!

When they took 4-6 year old boys and put microphones on them they found that 60% of what came out of their mouths were verbal, and 40% (nearly half) of what came out of their mouths were sounds like vroom. We guys still do this. We drive down the road and go vroom, vroom. The study found that the average man only speaks 7,000 words per day. She speaks generally three times as many words per day as he does.

In general, little girls are better in conversing and communicating than little boys. This becomes a lifelong habit. Your wife has a much greater need for conversation than you do.

Here’s how it plays out. He goes to work and uses up all his words at work. She goes to work and uses up just some of her words. She arrives home before he gets there and is loaded for bear! She's got a few thousand words saved up. He walks in the door looking for peace and quiet and she is looking for conversation.

“Honey, how was your day?” she says. “Ugh,” he says. “What did you do?” she asks. “Worked” he says. “Who did you see?” she asks. “Roy,” he says. No wonder we miss each other. We need to learn to meet in the middle. We must understand the gender, emotional and biological differences. Gentlemen, please understand that she needs your conversation. I know work is hard but learn to have something left for her when you get home so that the two of you can communicate.

Conversation Defined

Conversation is essentially verbal attention. He values what she has to say so he’s giving her attention. When you sit, talk, listen, interact and look your wife in the eye, regardless of what she’s talking about, it means you’re interested in her, her day, and especially how she feels.

Talking and listening to each other is the beginning of communication but the need for conversation is not met by simply talking. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all.

Characteristics of Good Conversation

1) Using it to inquire and discover each other

2) Focusing attention on topics of mutual interest

3) Letting spouses talk about themselves

4) Balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk

5) Giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other

Conversation fails to meet this need when...

1) Demands are made

2) Disrespect is shown

3) One or both spouses become angry

4) When it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present

5) When one spouse goes into problem solving mode

It wasn’t difficult talking to each other during your courtship, was it? That's a time of information gathering. Both partners are highly motivated to discover each others' likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on a smart phone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or hanging with his friends.

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage.

So let’s talk to each other and let’s have fun doing it!

3 Communication Tips for A Better Marriage