Are you a skunk or a turtle?

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

How do you handle conflict? In premarital counseling I use a simple metaphor couples find very helpful. I ask, “When faced with conflict, do you act as a skunk or a turtle?”

Let me explain.

When conflict ensues, a skunk will spray and ask questions later. They get upset and usually end up yelling at their spouse and saying things they don’t really mean. The skunk feels better for a little while but then deeply regrets what he or she said and ends up apologizing profusely.

A turtle, on the other hand, will pull back into its shell when conflict arises. The turtle will later poke its head out of its shell to see if the coast is clear. If it senses any form of danger it will retreat back into its shell. Turtles will usually walk away from an argument insisting they need some space to sort out their feelings.

It’s been said that opposites attract and then opposites attack. The characteristics that initially drew you to your spouse can drive you CRAZY later on. In most cases, I find that a skunk is married to a turtle. It’s rare to find two skunks or two turtles together.

I am a skunk. I came from a line of skunks. My dad was a skunk. Whenever he would get in an argument he would yell. Think Old Yeller. He was a big man, 6’3” and 220 pounds. He seemed like a giant to me when I was a kid. I remember him yelling at my mom on many occasions. My mom was a turtle.

As much as we don’t want to end up like our parents, we often do. I became a skunk like my dad. My wife, on the other hand, had a father who never raised his voice to her. So my wife was dumbfounded when we got in our first argument and I yelled at her. The incident demoralized her. I felt horrible. I had become Old Yeller Jr.

In reality we all have tendencies toward being a skunk and a turtle but most of us revert to one dominant style when facing conflict. Skunks need to learn to not spray and muck up the room. Turtles need to learn to not run away from conflict but hang in there long enough to resolve it. We need to meet somewhere in the middle. Both people need to change and compromise to make the marriage work.

SO … which one are you? Are you a skunk or a turtle? Or are you a little bit of both?

The No-Show: When A Bridesmaid Drops Out

When I first started blogging, there were two questions that I got asked a whole lot. And honestly, I'm surprised every time they come up!

1. Can I kick a bridesmaid out of my wedding party?

2. What do I do if a bridesmaid drops out on her own??

Never in a million years would I have imagined these questions needing answers but if you are are in the same boat as the many other brides who have asked, just know that you are not alone!

So for the past couple of months, I've been pondering these questions, talking to many of our bride readers in similar situations, and have been working on figuring out why this continues to happen and what is the best way to go about these situations.

Let's start with the WHY.

Why does this happen so often?

Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with one of our bride readers who needed some help with a specific situation she was going through during her wedding plans. We chatted for about a week back and forth and I offered my best advice to her. I don't always have an answer, but part of being a wedding coordinator is being like friend to all of you to get you through the stressful times and into a happy marriage.

Anyways, her situation was completely unrelated but in one of her emails, she wrote this:

"It is almost like I am being punished for getting married."

And then it clicked.

Jealousy.

We all know that girls can get VERY jealous and your wedding day is no different. In fact, a wedding often heightens that jealousy among friends and family.

You're the first to get married and she is jealous of your happiness.

You are younger than her and she doesn't think it's fair that you found love before her.

And the list goes on...

Now that may not be the only reason, but I have come to find that it seems to be a top reason among the brides who I have spoken to.

So through your wedding, your friends and family are going to show their true colors and that is something you should be prepared for. You may lose friends due to jealousy and in that case, they definitely weren't the kind of friends that you want standing by your side on your wedding day anyways. You want true friends who are happy just because you are happy...the same quality you've found in a husband.

What should I do about it?

There are two questions we're trying to answer today and the answers are very simple.

1. You can do whatever your heart desires but if you kick a bridesmaid out of your party, just know that you will NEVER be able to re-kindle that friendship. Think long and hard and have a very good reason for doing so. Don't make any sudden decisions just because you're stressed and realize that this decision will last your lifetime.

2. So what? If she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid, then why would you want to try to convince her to do so? Clearly, she is not the type of person you want standing up there with you anyways. And who cares that your sides are now uneven...mine were!

No matter the friend and no matter the circumstance, always take a deep breath and realize that today not only does your wedding mark the beginning of the next chapter in your life, but is an experience that will allow you to see who your friends and family truly are and who you want to be by your side and to have your back for the rest of your life.