You're mad at the wrong person!

I'm going to start off with a question:

If your car breaks down, your work day just isn't going as planned, or you and your best friend are arguing over something silly, who is the first person you are going to call, text, or talk to?

Most likely (and hopefully) your answer is your soon-to-be (or current) spouse. Personally, my husband is the first person I text about ANYTHING, good or bad. We tell each other everything throughout the day, almost to the point where we don't have much to talk about when he calls me on his way home from work every day!

Now we all get angry, and some of us are better at handling that anger than others. So think about what you do to let your anger out - Do you scream into a pillow? Go the the gym? Cry? Punch a wall?

Want to know the way I get my anger out? I get frustrated with my husband for silly things, and take my anger out on him.

And I am sure I am not alone.

Last December, my clutch went out while I was driving on the freeway on my way to a blog photoshoot that had been planned for months. After pulling to the shoulder and bursting into tears, I immediately called my husband.

So frustrated with my situation (and 30 vendors counting on me to complete an amazing photoshoot), he had a whole list of ways to fix my problem. And the first two options were:

1. He could call a tow truck, and then rental car company so I could immediately get a new car to drive to the photoshoot.

2. He could leave work right then and there and pick me up and drive me to Orange County (which was going to be about a 3 hour drive at that hour).

Through my frustration, I somehow came up with a million reasons why none of his ideas were going to work. And amidst our conversation, I somehow turned it around and began to yell at him. Terrible, I know.

I turned what could have been an easy fix, into a fight. And it was not because he did anything wrong - in fact, he did everything right - but because I had no one else and nothing else to take my frustration out on, so he was an easy target.

I have run into similar situations hundreds of times, and for some reason, I always find a way to get mad at my husband for no reason. I am not sure if it is because I know he will always be there for me, no matter how mad I get and how much I yell at that time, or if I just don't have another way to get my anger out. But in any instance, it is wrong and I have been working hard to change it.

I am fairly positive that I am not alone, no matter the scale of venting and punch-throwing that may occur. But the moral of the story is that we always tend to take our anger out on the people we love the most. And instead, we need to find a way to flip this around, and begin to love the ones we love the most, even in the height of an argument that may have nothing to do with him or her, or in a total crisis. Your spouse is the one who will  be there with you through thick and thin, so let's make sure we treat him/her with that care they truly deserve.

Find a way to let your anger and frustration out, and find a way that doesn't include bringing your spouse down with you.

10 Things No One Ever Told Me About Marriage

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

"And they lived happily ever after.”

Baloney.

About half of the marriages in America end up in divorce. It might be more accurate to say, “They lived angrily ever after."

I’m not stupid. I know that life is no storybook but I’ll admit that somewhere deep in my subconscious lurked romantic visions of Cinderella - an image of a bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset. In the writings of Shakespeare, the presence of a happy ending is one of the key points that distinguish melodrama from tragedy. Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your deep love for each other can pull you through anything you face, and it can, but it ain't always pretty.

That may sound depressing but the truth is that marriage has a lot to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the true nature of love. Read on to discover the ten things nobody told me about marriage:

1. Creating a good marriage is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

You may have heard, “Marriage takes work,” and you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. But it’s so much more complicated. Getting married is like moving to a foreign country. You experience culture shock. You and your husband won’t always speak the same language. Living in marriage is a huge adjustment.

Bill Hybels says, “Consider the math of marriage: One sinner plus another sinner equals two sinners. Double trouble under one roof. Add a couple ‘sinnerlings,’ and we’re talking quadruple trouble under that same single roof.” Creating a healthy marriage will tap you to the core of your being.

2. Marriage doesn’t complete you.

Jerry Maguire was a good movie. But contrary to classic line in the movie and the implicit messages embedded in statements like “I’ve found my soul mate" or “my other half," a healthy marriage consists of two whole people who partner to create a third body of their marriage. In other words, one plus one doesn't equal one or even two; it makes three. You are responsible for your own happiness and wholeness, and your spouse is responsible for his or hers.

3. You will probably consider divorce at some point.

I never envisioned the “D” word going into our marriage but after one stressful season where I had a financial downturn in my salary, my wife became depressed and it seemed like we fought more than we got along, and divorce looked like a serious possibility. Fortunately we went to counseling for help. I’ll never forget the counselor saying, “You don’t want to get a divorce.” I really didn’t. I just wanted the pain to stop. I’m so glad we stuck it out.

4. You will go for periods without sex.

God designed sex to be a very important part of a marriage. When we have sex, a hormone (oxytocin) is released that makes us want to connect, physically, and once connected, stay connected. It a bonding glue for humans.

With that said, there are times that one of you just won't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with your spouse. The fact is, there will be nights that one of you is not in the mood. Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week a good night’s sleep trumps sex.

5. It’s better to lose some battles in order to win the war.

“I got my way in the end,” a spouse said proudly after emerging the victor in a domestic dispute. He may have won the battle but he lost the war. In his case, he won the dispute but lost a spouse. Many times it’s our anger that gets us into a fight but it's our ego that keeps us there. The relationship is the most important thing. 

6. A good marriage doesn’t mean the absence of conflict.

Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal. FALSE. Conflict is natural, normal and inevitable whenever people interact together. What makes marriage work? It's how you resolve conflict that matters the most. Learn to fight fair. 

7. You won’t always find your spouse attractive.

It happens. Even if we know this intellectually, when lack of attraction hits in marriage people panic. We’re a profoundly image-based culture and we’re taught through mainstream media that if you’re not wildly attracted to your partner, you’re with the wrong person. That simply is not reality.

We see our partners in many different lights — from elegantly dressed for a special event to losing their cookies over a toilet bowl. Even over the course of a day, attraction can fluctuate and that's normal. 

8. You realize the only person you can change is yourself.

I had a wonderful self-development plan for my wife when we got married and I was flabbergasted when she rejected it. I’ve learned that I can’t change my spouse but I can change myself.

In the words of Michael Jackson: 

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change."

9. Having small children is synonymous with sleep deprivation.

Let’s face it - having children is stressful, overwhelming, rich, and beautiful and it will put a strain on even the best of marriages. It's a small miracle that any couple survives, parenting through the process. I can still hear Carrie say, “It’s your turn to get up and feed her.”

10. Marriage isn’t always happily ever after.

Truth be told, marriage isn't “happily ever after.” It isn't the end of the road, the resting spot for eternal happiness. Marriage more accurately is a constant work in progress.

In summary, marriage is one of the most challenging and rewarding paths we can commit to as human beings. And I highly recommend it.

Alone time?

I know we had a marriage post earlier this week on why you want to get married, and it stirred some conversation and thoughts! So today, once again, I don't have advice, but yet again I have a discussion for all of us! No one has a perfect marriage, so discussing is key to finding the answers that work the best of each of our relationships!

Today, I really want to just hear from all of you, married or not, on the issue of time.

In marriage and in relationships in general, everyone always says that we need some alone time, away from our spouse, in order to have a true healthy relationship. We need time with our girls, time with just the guys, or just time to snag a 20 minute coffee break alone and sit and read a book.

Everyone always seems to agree but I can't help but think I'm a bit crazy when it comes to time.

I am totally the EXACT opposite when it comes to my own marriage, and I am starting to wonder, "Am I the only one? Or should we really focus on this alone time thing?"

Theresa Bridget Phtography

I cannot live a day without my husband. I kiss him goodbye around 8:10am every morning, and because I work from home, I get to see him pretty much every day at noon for lunch. He heads back to work and is home by 5:07 and we spend the rest of the night together.

When I have weddings on the weekends, he typically shows up toward the end to "help" me - but really, it's just so we can see each other more. A couple weeks back he had a less than 24 hour business trip and I thought I was going to die! We travel together, I hang out with his friends and he hangs out with mine. And we are pretty much inseparable...always.

So really, I would love to hear your thoughts on spending time alone, without your partner. If you are in a relationship, have thoughts on the issue from past relationships, or better yet, are an expert in love, I would love to hear from you!

Are we still in the "honeymoon stage" after two years of marriage? Should we push ourselves away from each other every once in a while to get this alone time in?

Tell us what you think!