Are you a skunk or a turtle?

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

How do you handle conflict? In premarital counseling I use a simple metaphor couples find very helpful. I ask, “When faced with conflict, do you act as a skunk or a turtle?”

Let me explain.

When conflict ensues, a skunk will spray and ask questions later. They get upset and usually end up yelling at their spouse and saying things they don’t really mean. The skunk feels better for a little while but then deeply regrets what he or she said and ends up apologizing profusely.

A turtle, on the other hand, will pull back into its shell when conflict arises. The turtle will later poke its head out of its shell to see if the coast is clear. If it senses any form of danger it will retreat back into its shell. Turtles will usually walk away from an argument insisting they need some space to sort out their feelings.

It’s been said that opposites attract and then opposites attack. The characteristics that initially drew you to your spouse can drive you CRAZY later on. In most cases, I find that a skunk is married to a turtle. It’s rare to find two skunks or two turtles together.

I am a skunk. I came from a line of skunks. My dad was a skunk. Whenever he would get in an argument he would yell. Think Old Yeller. He was a big man, 6’3” and 220 pounds. He seemed like a giant to me when I was a kid. I remember him yelling at my mom on many occasions. My mom was a turtle.

As much as we don’t want to end up like our parents, we often do. I became a skunk like my dad. My wife, on the other hand, had a father who never raised his voice to her. So my wife was dumbfounded when we got in our first argument and I yelled at her. The incident demoralized her. I felt horrible. I had become Old Yeller Jr.

In reality we all have tendencies toward being a skunk and a turtle but most of us revert to one dominant style when facing conflict. Skunks need to learn to not spray and muck up the room. Turtles need to learn to not run away from conflict but hang in there long enough to resolve it. We need to meet somewhere in the middle. Both people need to change and compromise to make the marriage work.

SO … which one are you? Are you a skunk or a turtle? Or are you a little bit of both?

Date Night // Basil Lobster Pesto Recipe

Written with love, by Sarah-Elizabeth Stone

Once upon a time there lived a couple of newlyweds looking to keep their young marriage alive with a well-known ritual called date night. Off they ran to the nearest book store to purchase many a newlywed cookbooks, matching aprons and Gordon Ramsey cook wear. Armed with their love and hungry stomachs, our heroes launched into the challenge to make the best home cooked meal that there ever was. Facebook and Instagram would be inundated with hashtags and hearts, pictures of the cooks and their wine would surface all over social media. This, they thought, would not only be the best meal ever, but people would come from far and wide to taste their great dish.

The real life version of this fairy tale is perhaps a little less idyllic.  The newlyweds have already gone back to work, thus leaving little time for skipping to any store, book or otherwise. One of two matching aprons is in the dryer, and the princess apron matched my shirt better that day anyways. My Gordon Ramsey cook wear is for guests, and I spend far too long painstakingly putting them back on the shelf for my husband’s liking. Facebook and Instagram are more likely to see one good shot out of the 10 that was taken that evening. And by the end of a long evening, sitting full by the dinner table, my hashtags tend to get a little irrelevant to the actual food that’s pictured (#redhead).

While real life isn’t as perfect, the food is always fantastic and the company couldn’t be better – and that is exactly what date night is all about.

Ingredients

·         2 cups of chopped spinach

·         3 cloves of garlic

·         2 tsp chopped basil

·         2 tbs chopped parsley

·         1 cup of ricotta cheese

·         1 cup of lobster meat

·         ½ cup of 5% cream

Directions

1.       Chop spinach and add to food processor along with basil, parsley, garlic, and chop finely

2.       Put mixture into a bowl and mix in 1 cup of ricotta cheese

3.       Prepare lobster meat (thaw from frozen, or cook)

4.       Add lobster meat into herb mix

5.       Pour ½ cup of 5% cream into a pot, stir for 3-5 minutes

6.       Add in the pesto mixture

7.       Keep on medium heat while cooking pasta for 8-10 minutes

8.       Serve with fresh parsley and parmesan cheese

He's just not that into it!

I hear it time and time again...

"My fiance isn't doing anything to help me with the wedding plans. And I am frustrated!"

Did anyone ever say a wedding was a must? Did someone tell you that you had to plan an elaborate day to celebrate your marriage?

You may have that vision as your dream or someone else may be influencing it, but I am here to tell you that a wedding isn't something you are REQUIRED to have.

So maybe he just isn't that into it!

Before you begin ranting and raving about how he didn't get you the song list on time or how he wasn't excited to spend his entire weekend (the only two days he has off from work that week to relax) scouring venues all over the state to find the "perfect" one, remember that it is his wedding too!

Just because he doesn't seem to happy about crafting or spending weekend after weekend talking about wedding plans, doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you. He may just not be that into planning a wedding. And that is okay!

Did you ever think that maybe he just wants a party with family and friends? And that every tiny detail doesn't matter to him, as long as he is married to YOU at the end of the day? Did you ever think about that?

To many grooms (and some brides too!), a wedding is just not that important. To some of us, a wedding day is about marrying the love of our lives, rather than slaving away for a year over details and spending money on little knick-knacks that are just going to be left by your guests and then thrown away by the banquet staff at the end of the night. To some of us, a wedding is a waste of time and a waste of money, and all that matters is the marriage.

I am not saying this is wrong and I am not saying this is right, but we all have different beliefs and expectations about our wedding day, so maybe his is just different than your vision!

So before you begin picking a fight - a useless fight that you aren't going to win - talk to your fiance abut what he/she wants in a wedding. Believe it or not, your "dream" wedding may be worlds apart, and this is probably where the disconnect is coming into play.

Maybe he hasn't called that venue for more information because he just doesn't like the look of it or feels it is far too expensive for a single evening. Or maybe she hasn't given you the playlist because her vision of a wedding is allowing guests to make requests so that everyone can enjoy and dance the night away.

Step one: Talk about those expectations and what each of you envision the wedding day looking like.

Step two: If your visions are different, compromise.

Step three: If you aren't willing to compromise your vision, then you can't get upset for a lack of participation.

Just TALK to each other about your feelings - if you can't now, you're going to have some trouble through marriage. And then come up with a plan so that each of you can work on the "tasks" that are truly important to each of you. And that way, planning the wedding becomes enjoyable for all, rather than a fighting fest over who hasn't completed their tasks on time :)

Rant over.