Online Dating + Arranged Marriage

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

These days it’s common to belong to a dating website like Match.com, eHarmony.com or Zoosk.com. Many couples I have had the privilege of marrying found each other online. Online dating has led to many successful happy marriages, and the same can be said for arranged marriages. Is online dating the new arranged marriage?

SIMILARITIES

You might think, is an arranged marriage even remotely similar to online dating? Well, think about an online dating website. You fill out your profile – your personality type, interests, beliefs and education. Then the website pairs you up with people based on common interests. Dating proceeds and you can either meet the man or woman of your dreams or just enjoy a few fun dates.

Now think about arranged marriages...your parents pick your partner, keeping in mind your unique personality, along with their expectations of the people they want their kin to be with. You go on a (supervised) date, and if things click you have yourself a match!

Arranged marriages are a type of union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other, common worldwide until the 18th century. And in early Jewish culture, the parents always arranged marriages. The parents would pick a wife for their son, sometimes even at five years old.

The parents would arrange marriages because they thought they could use better judgment because of their own experience knowing the pros and cons of marriage. They thought they were better suited to make such an important decision. The kids, just like today, disagreed and there was often conflict.

A FAMILY CONSIDERATION

When the couple would marry, the young woman would become a part of the family so the family was very interested in who this person was. The father of the young man would begin the negotiations and choose “the friend of the bridegroom.” He was the go-between who would set up negotiations and the dowry. He would set up the deal and the parents would come together. Once a decision was made it was sealed over a cup of coffee and they would enter into the betrothal.

One year before the marriage there was a period of engagement called the betrothal. The future groom would give his bride a gold ring that meant you were taken and that’s when the dating began, after the betrothal. Once the betrothal began they could not get separated unless there was a legal divorce.

Interestingly enough, there are countries today that still practice the same procedure. You still see arranged marriages in the Orient especially in India. And the divorce rate of arranged marriages is extremely low.

BIZARRE, BARBARIC OR BRILLANT?

I have a good friend named Priscilla and she is from Chennai, India. Her parents moved to the United States when she was a young girl. A clash of cultures occurred and yet her parents still arranged her marriage. I’ve watched her marriage over the years and recently got together with the couple. They have an extremely happy and successful marriage. As a teenager I used to think that prearranged marriages were bizarre and barbaric. Now that I’m a parent of three kids … I think it is BRILLIANT! :)

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Now we want to hear from you! How do you feel about arranged marriages and online dating? Did you meet your spouse or future spouse one of these ways?

Make every date your first date!

Think back to the first date you had together...the butterflies in your stomach, the smile that just couldn't get erased off of your face, that feeling.

Whether you took a trip to the movies, went on a casual date to Starbucks or got dressed up for a fancy dinner, there is one thing that I would guess 99% of our first dates had in common...

Your cell phone was not to be seen or heard.

I knew my husband for three years before we ever went on a date. So while I remember the exact moment we met, I don't really remember where our "first date" was three years later. But I can tell you one thing, there is no way I pulled my cell phone out at any point during that date.

This is the first night we met ---------->>

I most likely pulled it out immediately after the date to text my best friends and my sisters but other than that, he had no clue what type of cell phone I owned. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago - My husband and I were having a bad week. We were both stressed out, had busy weeks at work, and just seemed to be arguing about everything under the moon. So we decided to take a date night!

We went to one of our favorite casual restaurants in Malibu. It is a "order at the counter and wait until they call your number out" kind of restaurant and we parked our car across the street, backed in so the trunk was facing the ocean, and had a little picnic in the trunk of our car. It was a great refresher from the week but there was one thing I noticed while we were waiting for our food: we both had our cell phones out on the table and at one point or another, we texted someone, refreshed our Facebook, or checked an email.

Now this is something that NEVER would have happened on our first date. And so, I have come up with a plan for all of us.

Make every date, your first date.

Act as though you've never met. Talk about life, hobbies, and interests - you may think you know everything about each other, but there are always new stories to tell and moments to share. Talk about your day, help each other solve a problem at work and do anything you would've done on your first date. Kiss, hug, hold hands and let those butterflies come back. And most of all, keep that cell phone out of sight!

Pulling out that cell phone to text on a first date may be a deal breaker for many of us. And pulling out that cell phone could be a deal breaker in marriage too. Of course, a single instance wouldn't break up a marriage, but the lack of communication, lack of a listening ear, and lack of true dating could lead to your fall. So laugh, listen, and continue to learn...without your cell phone present.

Cheers to first dates!

Staying in Love Series Part III // DATE NIGHT

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

One key habit I encourage every couple to develop in their marriage is to have a Date Night. I consider date nights essential for staying in love, staying connected and keeping the relationship on track. 

WE NEED MORE COURTING IN MARRIAGE

It’s been said, “If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.” 

In fact, a report released by the National Marriage Project found that couples who manage to devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates compared to couples who do not devote as much couple time to one another. The bottom line is date nights can dramatically enhance your relationship.

“Sustaining intimacy is probably the most challenging task a human being has in his or her lifetime,” says Jared Scherz, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples. Most marriages begin with romantic love that is linked to passion, excitement and an overwhelming sense of attraction to one another. However, over time the passion can fade if you do nothing to nurture it. Date nights have the potential to take a boring marriage and make it exciting, meaningful and fun again.  

I'M OLD SCHOOL

Earlier in our marriage I asked my wife what I could do to better meet her needs. “Ask me out on more dates,” she said. "Just ask me. I won’t say no - I’m easy!” I got the hint. I now ask her out on a date nearly every week unless I am out of town traveling for work. It keeps us connected and involved in each others' lives. If we didn’t have our consistent date night, we’d be like two ships passing in the night. 

Unfortunately, more than 30% of women told Glamour Magazine they haven’t been on a real date in more than a year, and that 88% of women in relationships don’t have regular date nights.

I’m a bit old school when it comes to dating. I believe guys should take the initiative and ask their wives out on a date. I have nothing against the wife occasionally asking the husband, in fact I think it’s healthy, but I think the main responsibility rests with husbands.

If you are a wife reading this post, do yourself a favor and share it with your husband. Let him know that Pastor Dave is challenging him to develop the habit of taking you out on a date once a week, to be intentional about having a consistent Date Night.

DATE NIGHT IS IMPORTANT, ESPECIALLY FOR MOMS

Here are some quotes by some wives on the importance of Date Night:

"Date Night is something to look forward to. It’s a treat. It’s when I get to put my feet up and have a nice meal prepared for me. I know that if I have date night on the horizon, I can make it through a long week.”

"As a homemaker and mother, I never really get to clock-out and leave my responsibilities at work. Break time for me is usually bedtime. Everyone needs a break once in a while."

"Date Night refreshes me and gives me energy to continue doing well in my roles as worker and mom.”

"Date Night provides the opportunity for grown-up conversation."

"Date night reminds me that one of my roles is also being a wife; and it reminds me what fun that role is!"

"Date Night gives me time with my guy when I have his full attention. When my husband plans Date Night, it shows me that I am a priority to him, that he cherishes me and values my roles as homemaker and mother. It also communicates to me that I am more than a nanny and a maid. I am desirable to him and he wants to be with me.”

Need I said anymore about the importance of Date Night?

FORGET HOW TO DATE?

Maybe it’s been years since you and your spouse have been on a real date. Here are a few tips on how to shake off the rust and reconnect:

-- Schedule It: Most experts recommended that couples shoot for once a week. We have found that weekly works best for us.

-- Be Flexible: If one you gets sick or something comes up just reschedule the date.

-- Budget for It: View date night as an investment in your relationship. My wife prefers to go out to dinner for most of out date nights so I budget for it each week.

-- Turn off the cell phone: The only person you want to talk to is right in front of you.

-- Talk about your relationship and have fun together: “If you’re talking about the kids or their bills, it’s not a date,” says Lisa Brateman, a New York-based psychotherapist and relationship specialist. “Those issues are still going to be there on Monday.”

-- Look Nice: You don’t need to get all dressed up, although that is fun to do occasionally. But dress nice for each other as you go out on your date.

-- Just Do It: Don’t let money be the reason you don’t date. There are plenty of great ways to have cheap date if necessary. Be intentional about spending time with the one you love. Your wedding ceremony shouldn’t be the end of your dating life, rather it should be just the beginning.