Make Love A Verb // STAYING IN LOVE Part 1

Written with love by Pastor Dave Page

It’s so easy to fall in love, wouldn’t you agree? It’s been said, “The only requirement to fall in love is a pulse.” It’s never been easier to fall in love and I believe it’s never been more difficult to stay in love. 

In the movie Juno, the main character (Juno MacGuff) asks her dad, "I need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever?” What a great question. Why is it so hard to stay in love?

Many of us have not seen a healthy marriage relationship modeled to us. We live in a nation where over 50 percent of couples get a divorce and don’t go the distance. Many of those who do go the distance are surviving but not thriving. So how can couples stay in love and develop marathon marriages that go the distance?

This is the first part of a four-part post. Here is the first principle for staying in love:

MAKE LOVE A VERB.

We treat love like a noun. It's an experience that happened. A moment. A thing. For many of us, we focus on the external qualities of love and ignore the internal. We talk about falling in love and falling out of love like gravity has something do with it. 

In a popular wedding reading, we see a different side of love - a new definition of love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”[1]

In this reading, we see that love is a verb, an action, not just emotion. We see what love does and does not do. Marriage isn’t just about choosing the right person; it’s about becoming the right person, the type of person who loves the other person unconditionally. 

It’s easy to love somebody who loves you, isn’t it? But real love acts and does the loving thing when your spouse doesn’t deserve it, when they don’t respond, or when you don’t feel it. Actually, acting in love when you don’t feel it is the highest form of love. I call it graduate level love, when you act loving toward a person who does not respond the same way.

Have you discovered that it’s easier to act your way into a feeling than it is to feel your way into an action? What do you do when you’ve lost those loving feelings? How do you rekindle the feeling of love again?

The good news is you can act your way into a feeling. You may say, “I don’t feel like acting loving toward my spouse.” It doesn’t matter. If you start acting in love, the feelings will follow. Why? Because feelings follow behavior

I confess, there was a time that I thought I’d married the wrong person. It’s been said, “Opposites attract and then opposites attack.” That certainly was true in our case. I was madly in love with my wife when we got married but after a few years felt she was driving me crazy. I wasn’t feeling the love. I figured I had three choices: 1) Divorce. 2) Stay together and live separate lives. 3) Humble myself and get help. I chose the last option. I went to counseling myself and eventually we both went to counseling. 

A funny thing happened. As I begin doing loving acts toward her, I began to fall in love with her all over again. I’m so glad we didn’t divorce. Today my wife is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. Make love a verb and stay together.

[1] 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

12 Tips to Writing Your Own Vows (Part 2)

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

TIP # 7:  GET ALONE FOR SOME REFLECTION TIME

After chatting with your future spouse, take some self-reflection time alone to think about how you feel about your fiancé. What did you think when you first saw him? When did you realize you were in love? What quality do you most admire in him? How has your life gotten better since meeting your future mate? What about him inspires you? What do you miss most about him when you’re apart? You may be surprised how these answers may lead you to the perfect words.

TIP #8:  BORROW FROM OTHER GREAT WRITERS 

Borrow freely from poetry, books, religious and spiritual texts, or even from romantic movies.  Write down words and phrases that capture your feelings.  Widely recognized works ring true for a reason. I’ve found that the Bible has some of the best quotes I’ve ever heard.  For example, the wise King Solomon penned these words in Proverbs 5:18-19: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Be exhilarated always with her love.”

Based on the last phrase in the second verse, I said to Carrie, “I am captivated by your beauty, refreshed by your genuineness and encouraged by your love for me.”  My wife is a beautiful woman and a very authentic person.  There is no pretense with her. She wears her emotions on her sleeves – what you see is what you get so I wanted to include this wonderful character quality in my vow to her.  At the end of the vow I said, “I will always be exhilarated with your love.” 

Your vows should reflect your beliefs, values and desires as a couple. Some of you will want to be more covert when including your spiritual values while others of you will want to be a bit overt. Some couples I marry do not want anything spiritual or religious in their vows to one another or in the ceremony itself.  I respect each couples wishes.

I provide my couples various readings for their weddings from all different sources – from Scripture to Shakespeare.  Here is a link some excellent WEDDING READINGS.

TIP #9: CREATE AN OUTLINE

An outline can get you started by helping you establish structure. For example, plan to first talk about how wonderful your fiancé is and then about how you work together as a couple; pause to quote your favorite writer and then go into your commitments to each other.  You may want to share why you chose to marry your fiancé, reasons why you love your fiancé and promises you intend to keep.

TIP #10: GET SOME FEEDBACK

Get some objective feedback from people you trust. Run your vows by some of your trusted friends and get their input. Listen to their constructive criticism of your vows in order to make them even better. I also read my vows to my mom because she was a English major in college and I wanted to make sure they were grammatically correct.

TIP #11: REMEMBER YOUR AUDIENCE

Don’t make your vows so personal that they’re obscure, mysterious or embarrassing! You’ve invited your family and friends to witness your vows in order to make your bond public, so be sure everyone feels included in the moment. That means putting a limit on inside jokes, deeply personal anecdotes and obscure nicknames or code words. My favorite nickname that one bride used for her fiancé was Stud Muffin. That also means being sensitive to the different religions and faiths represented in your audience.

TIP #12:  PRACTICE YOUR VOWS OUT LOUD

Remember, these words are meant to be heard by a live audience, so check that they sound good when spoken. A good rule of thumb: When you write, you write for eyes to read. But when you speak, you speak for ears to hear. Speak your vows out loud to make sure they flow easily. Rehearse in front of the mirror a few times – seriously!  Beware of tongue twisters and super long sentences. Go slow when you say your vows to one another – you do not want to get out of breath or stumble. And remember speak up so that everyone can hear you! There is nothing worse than attending a wedding and not being able to hear the couple when they say their vows. You may become overwhelmed with emotion in the moment and begin to cry. That’s okay because they are happy tears - just compose yourself and carry on.

In my opinion, your vows are the most important part of your ceremony. The key to crafting the perfect wedding vows is just to take them one word at a time. In summary, get at the heart of what marrying this person means to you; pick the most important points and say them well. And lastly, remember to have FUN!

Below are the vows my wife and I wrote and said to each other on our wedding day. We are both people of faith so our vows have a bit of a spiritual overtone to them.

Dave to Carrie:

Carrie, my love, I have prayed my entire life that God would send me the right person to marry.  He has given me the desire of my heart in you.  I am captivated by your beauty, refreshed by your genuineness, and encouraged by your love for me.  You mean more to me than anything else in this world.  I will seek to love you sacrificially, as Christ loved the church.  I will seek to understand you and listen to your innermost thoughts.  I will protect you and provide security for you.  I will encourage and support you in the interests and goals that you have. I will honor, respect and adore you.  You alone will be my desire as I forsake all others. I will always be exhilarated with your love. Carrie, I commit my entire being and covenant my love, representing my life, promising to remain committed to you, along side of you, as long as I shall live on this earth.

Carrie to Dave:

Dave, I love you so much!  I’m committing everything I have and everything I am to God first and then to you. You are my greatest joy!  You’ve become my best friend lovingly designed by our Heavenly Father.  He knew from the very beginning that Dave Page would be the man I would eventually marry.  You are the unique person who meets my special needs and adds to my life things that were missing, bringing out the absolute best in me that only you and your closeness to God could bring out.  Our love has that perfect completeness I hoped and prayed for, a special love that is from the Lord. He promises to go before us and through his special power, hold us together. Dave, I’m confident we will last a lifetime as husband and wife and I will love, support, encourage, challenge and cherish you throughout that lifetime.

My wife and I recently had a wonderful anniversary weekend in Santa Barbara. I’m going back up to Santa Barbara this weekend to learn to paddleboard!

The Modern Wifey

Written with love, by Lindsay Carroll

If you’re following The Overwhelmed Bride, it’s probably because you are a bride and a wife-to-be.  I can’t claim to have yet been either. However, in my role as a marriage celebrant, I work closely with brides who, after the wedding celebration is over, transition to the more enduring role of wife.

But what the heck is the role of a wife in contemporary times?

Historically, the word “wife” is said to have its origins in the Old English word wif which means “woman.” The word husband comes from the Old Norse word husbondi meaning master of the house. Similarly the word marriage comes from the Latin word mas meaning male or masculine.

When I learned this, it occurred to me that we have so much to celebrate as contemporary women, brides and wives because what we are is so far removed from what it meant to be a wife many centuries ago. Women are political, religious and community leaders, breadwinners for their families, primary caregivers and small business owners.  Many women have had the freedom to marry their love of the same sex recognized. The changes are significant.

If you were to ask me what it takes to be a great wife in 2014, I’d suggest it has something to do with taking care of your mental, spiritual and physical well-being, to look after yourself through building strength and resilience and following marriage, to not lose touch with your identity and all of the things that made you you before you were a wife.  Similarly, to encourage the same practice in your husband will make him a better man and help you both be better co-captains of the figurative ship you’re sailing together.

Sure, the word wife implies that there exists another man or woman legally bound to you in matrimony but your role as a wife is only a fraction of an evolving and complex identity of self. Nurture those other identities and strive to be your best self in order to be a great wife! Simple!

How do you see your soon-to-be role as a wife? We want to hear from you!