Never Say Never

January 29, 2015

I had no clue I was even doing it until we got engaged and began marriage counseling with our pastor. And then our pastor brought it up, and it struck me.

I was doing it almost every single day of my life, and it was not benefiting our relationship. In fact, it was severely hurting it. And once we moved in together after the wedding, I knew it would turn into a real problem, so I had to make a change quickly.

Argument after argument, I failed at arguing. Believe it or not, there is a proper way to argue or have discussions with your loved ones. I was lying every chance I got, and I had no idea that the words were even coming out of my mouth.

Before you get too worried, I am not a compulsive liar. Here is what was going wrong.

I was using exaggerations with every point I tried to make!

"You never clean your dishes!"

"You always leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor!"

Anyone heard that before?

NEVER and ALWAYS

My husband is not a slob, so clearly my statements were false. Of course he had done his dishes at least a dozen times before and of course he had put his clothes in the hamper many times in his life.

But in a rage of fury after (with this occurring maybe two days in a row), the words that came out of my mouth were completely and utterly false, and we both knew it!

Arguing Well

So without saying much more, my piece of advice for you is to argue well. Make your point because you have the right to a point, but don't exaggerate, embellish, or lie. It is not only not right, but it puts down your spouse in a negative way, rather than discussing the issue constructively.

The next time you disagree, think carefully about the words you are going to say, before they leave your lips. Never use ALWAYS and never use NEVER. It'll turn your arguments into discussions, and that means a happier marriage for all of us.

My Wife Needs My Conversation

January 22, 2015

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

As a pastor, the biggest complaint I hear from women is, “My husband just won’t talk to me.” Why is that scenario so common? Men and women are very different. He doesn't have the same emotional intensity that you do. Men are often taught to suppress their emotions - big boys don't cry.

Biological Differences

Researchers took little girls and little boys between the ages of 4 and 6 and hooked them up to microphones and studied them as they played on the playground. With little girls they found out that 100% of the things that came out of their mouths were verbal. They were either talking to another person or talking to themselves. Ladies grow up and still do this. I hear a conversation in the other room and ask, “Honey, who are you talking to?” “Oh, it's just me talking to myself,” she says.

When our two girls were little they liked playing with dolls. They enjoyed having the dolls talk to each other. One time they handed the dolls to me so I would do the same thing and honestly I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss.

Little girls love to talk and they grow up and become women. One study found that the average woman speaks 20,000 words per day with gusts up to 30,000!

When they took 4-6 year old boys and put microphones on them they found that 60% of what came out of their mouths were verbal, and 40% (nearly half) of what came out of their mouths were sounds like vroom. We guys still do this. We drive down the road and go vroom, vroom. The study found that the average man only speaks 7,000 words per day. She speaks generally three times as many words per day as he does.

In general, little girls are better in conversing and communicating than little boys. This becomes a lifelong habit. Your wife has a much greater need for conversation than you do.

Here’s how it plays out. He goes to work and uses up all his words at work. She goes to work and uses up just some of her words. She arrives home before he gets there and is loaded for bear! She's got a few thousand words saved up. He walks in the door looking for peace and quiet and she is looking for conversation.

“Honey, how was your day?” she says. “Ugh,” he says. “What did you do?” she asks. “Worked” he says. “Who did you see?” she asks. “Roy,” he says. No wonder we miss each other. We need to learn to meet in the middle. We must understand the gender, emotional and biological differences. Gentlemen, please understand that she needs your conversation. I know work is hard but learn to have something left for her when you get home so that the two of you can communicate.

Conversation Defined

Conversation is essentially verbal attention. He values what she has to say so he’s giving her attention. When you sit, talk, listen, interact and look your wife in the eye, regardless of what she’s talking about, it means you’re interested in her, her day, and especially how she feels.

Talking and listening to each other is the beginning of communication but the need for conversation is not met by simply talking. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all.

Characteristics of Good Conversation

1) Using it to inquire and discover each other

2) Focusing attention on topics of mutual interest

3) Letting spouses talk about themselves

4) Balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk

5) Giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other

Conversation fails to meet this need when...

1) Demands are made

2) Disrespect is shown

3) One or both spouses become angry

4) When it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present

5) When one spouse goes into problem solving mode

It wasn’t difficult talking to each other during your courtship, was it? That's a time of information gathering. Both partners are highly motivated to discover each others' likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on a smart phone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or hanging with his friends.

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage.

So let’s talk to each other and let’s have fun doing it!

Learning to Trust // My Proposal Story

January 21, 2015

December 8, 2012

We're packing up and getting ready to leave for Santa Barbara for the night to spend some time with my boyfriend's sister and her boyfriend. We have nice dinner plans with them so of course, that leaves me with one big question...

What should I wear?

Of course I mumble, "I don't have any clothes!!" Which, in girl terms, means I've worn everything I own once and don't want to re wear it. Naturally, I can't find anything I would like to wear, nothing is looking up to my standards, and I get into a bit of a bad mood.

My boyfriend offers to pick out a dress so he grabs one, packs it in my suitcase, and it's time to get on the road.

"I don't even want to go anymore!", I blurt out, still in a bad mood from the attire situation.

And as usual, he responds with, "Trust me. It's going to be fun!"

I grumpily walk to the car and we get on the road. He continues to tell me, "It will be so much fun - just trust me!" And my bad mood continues.

(I know, I'm seriously crazy when it comes to picking out clothes!)

We make our way up the 101, exit off of Kanan to go through the canyon and after about half an hour we make it to PCH. Frank makes a left turn and immediately I blurt out, "Wait, you're going the wrong way! Santa Barbara is North!"

Being the gullible girl that I am, he tells me that there is traffic that way so we're taking a different route. I still have no idea how I believed that, but I did.

After about another 10 minutes, we arrive at the Malibu Beach Inn (a hotel I've been saying I want to stay at for years) and he pulls up to the valet. Immediately, my bad mood is gone and I get the biggest smile on my face! He tells me that he decided to take me out of town for the weekend instead of going to dinner with his sister in Santa Barabara. And I am so excited that I finally get to stay at this hotel!

We have dinner plans in about an hour so I get ready and we sip on some cocktails as we watch some seals play around in the ocean, right in front of our balcony. Those little seals have got my attention and Frank goes to change the music on the ipad and grabs my hand...

He turns me around and there he is, on one knee, with the most gorgeous ring in a little black box and it's all a blur from there. I grab him and of course say, "YES!" without hesitation and he puts that sparkly diamond on my finger and the rest is history!

Moral of the Story: TRUST

From the time we were packing our bags, he told me to trust him and I didn't listen. We then got in the car and he told me to trust him, and I didn't listen.

But in relationships, trust is one of the most important qualities to learn. And I am just now beginning to make that work...because it's hard! But if you love him and he loves you, then he's not going to lead you in the wrong direction. And you need to tell yourself that each and every day.

So no matter what you are doing, or where you are in your lives together, trust is such an important quality not only for you to have in order to feel at ease, but to show your spouse that you trust him or her. There's nothing worse that feeling than your spouse is questioning your every move, so work on that trust each and every day instead of living in defensive mode all of the time.

I didn't trust my boyfriend, and he ended up proposing. How crazy is that??

You cannot live a full life without trust.

You cannot be spontaneous without trust.

And you cannot have a fulfilling, beautiful marriage without trust.

So no matter how hard it may be, trust is something that brings your relationship to the next level (literally, in our case) and will allow you to live that fairytale marriage you are looking for.