The 10 Top Reason Every Couple Needs Pre-Marital Counseling

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

In the process of planning for your wedding, are you also planning for your marriage? Experience your wedding to the fullest but also consider investing in your marital relationship by getting premarital counseling – it just might be the best investment you ever make.

Here are ten great reasons why every couples has to have pre-martial counseling:

1.      Strengthen Communication Skills

Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate one anothers' feelings is a skill that can be learned. You can tune up your communication skills through a simple speaker-listener technique.

 

2.      Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is inevitable. The goal is not to eliminate conflict but to learn how to resolve conflict in productive way. Premarital counseling teaches couples how to fight fair. John Gottman's research has shown that couples that resolve conflict well are less likely to divorce. (www.Gottman.com)

3.      Discuss Role Expectations

Premarital counseling can uncover unspoken and unconscious expectations. Many couples have never discussed who will be doing what in the marriage. This applies to work, finances, chores, sex, kids and more. Having an open and honest discussion about what each of you expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and a better marriage.

4.      Explore Spiritual Beliefs

I believe we are all on a spiritual journey. The ability to discuss your faith with your partner is huge. Your beliefs and practice of those beliefs will affect your marriage and impact your kids down the road.

5.      Identify Family of Origin Issues

We learn so much of how to "be" from our parents, primary caregivers and other early influences. If one of the partners experienced high conflict or an unloving household, it can be helpful to explore that in regard to how it might play out in the marriage.

6.      Develop Family Goals Together

It amazes me how many couples have never discussed their relationship goals, personal goals or family goals. Working toward joint goals gives strength to your marriage.

7.      Learn Financial Compatibility

Money is a big issue in marriage and a leading cause of divorce. It's not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. Imagine the conflict if one is a saver and one is a spender, one is focused on the future and the other believes in living for today, one has no problem buying on credit and the other believes in saving up for what one wants.

8.      Understand and Appreciate Personality Differences

It’s been said that opposites attract and then opposites attack. The things that attracted you to your spouse can later drive you crazy. Learn how to appreciate your personality differences.

9.      Dismantle Fears About Marriage

One or both of you might come from a divorced family or a dysfunctional background where fighting and manipulation were the norm. Premarital counseling can teach you how to make peace with your past and break the cycle.

10.  Reduce the Odds of Divorce

In the Western world, half of all marriages end in divorce. Those aren’t good odds. A survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples with premarital counseling reported higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30% decline in the likelihood of divorce over five years. 

Premarital Counseling is often misunderstood. The popular belief is that there must be something wrong with your relationship and therefore you need premarital counseling. Rather, I view premarital counseling as a preventative measure that can lead to a happy and healthy marriage.

I provide different options and packages for premarital counseling. Although I don’t make it mandatory, I highly recommend it to every couple I marry. I do premarital counseling face to face and also via Skype for couples who live in different parts of the world. It really is a great investment in your relationship that will serve you well for the rest of your life. In addition, I think it provides for a better wedding ceremony as I really get to know the couple I counsel, which helps me personalize the ceremony.

How I Proposed to My Wife

Written with love, by Pastor Dave Page

In a previous article, “5 Elements for a Successful Proposal” I listed five essential parts to make any proposal just perfect. And today, I'm going to share my experience in proposing to my wife and how I applied these principles.

Asking for Her Hand

I took my wife’s mom and dad out to dinner on the night before I proposed to ask for her hand in marriage. I’ll never forget what her dad said, “With Carrie you get what you see…she’s open and honest and wears her emotions on her sleeves.”

“I like what I see,” I replied. Her mom and dad enthusiastically gave me their blessing to marry their daughter.

The Plan

I had a plan. I took Carrie out to a nice restaurant in Newport Beach, CA. We enjoyed a delicious meal together. I ordered some blueberry cheesecake to go. The server wrapped the cheesecake in tin foil so it resembled a swan.

I drove up the coast to Huntington Beach and when she wasn’t looking slipped the engagement ring onto the top of the cheesecake and secured the tin foil. The sun was just setting as we walked in the sand out to a lifeguard stand on a warm summer evening. We climbed up onto the stand and I asked if she wanted some blueberry cheesecake. “No, I’m not hungry,” she replied. I couldn’t believe it. What do I do now? “How about just one bite to taste it?,” I asked. “Okay, I’ll try one bite,” she replied.” Yes! I handed her the cheesecake still enclosed in tin foil. I shined my flashlight on the cheesecake, as it was nearly dark now. 

The Part that Wasn't Planned

The problem was my batteries were drained and the light was extremely faint. She removed the covering and seeing what she thought was a small piece of tin foil, she flicked it off  with her middle finger. The ring went flying off the top of the cheesecake and bounced once, bounced twice and came to stop just inches before falling off the lifeguard stand into what would have been a black hole of sand. When she flicked the ring off the cake everything seem like it was moving in slow motion. I saw the ring fly through the air and land at the edge of the stand. She then picked the ring up off the stand realizing that this was no ordinary piece of tin foil. The ring, 24-carrot gold, still had some blueberry sauce on it. She looked at the ring intently realizing that this was an engagement ring.

As she stared at the ring I thought, "This is my big chance. This is my moment. This is where I propose."

I got down on one knee, held her other hand and said, “I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Speechless

She looked at me like a deer caught in the headlight. No response. No sound, nothing. I thought, "What do I do now?" I waited what seemed like a minute but was probably only ten seconds and I tried again. “Will you marry me?” I asked. She then gave me a big hug and would not let go. “Does that mean yes?” I asked. She shook her head indicating that indeed the answer was affirmative. Whew. I was thrilled and relieved at the same time.

This was the first time and the last time I ever saw my wife speechless. It was so exiting and something we will always remember and still frequently talk about.

When we were driving out of the beach parking lot we drove by the pay booth and there was a attendant inside the booth. As we drove by my wife hung out of the car and flashed her engagement ring at the attendant and said, “Look I’m engaged and we’re going to get married!”

It was a magical moment that we will always remember.

Why didn't you tell me before I get married?

Our pastor was fantastic at counseling us before marriage. We talked about finances, about our goals for the future, and he made us speak about some "issues" that were slowly tearing us apart (or though it seemed at the time). And for those of you in the process of planning your marriage, I would highly recommend going to some counseling to prep you for some of the more difficult times you are going to encounter together in years to come.

I know it sounds a bit scary when worded like that, but with the lows come the highs. And you're going to have the most memorable times of your life with your spouse. You thought a night out in college was fun? Get ready for the time of your life!

That is, if you make the most of it. You have the decision to start your new life together happy, or fighting for what you (as a single person) think you should have. We are selfish beings by nature so joining forces and joining beliefs is hard enough. But marriage is what you make of it.

And so, I've come up with the top things I wish I had known before marriage, to share with all of you.

- At the end of each day, you have nowhere to go other than your own bed...together.

- Even when you're the most mad at him, the only way to feel better is to be in his arms.

- Sometimes you have to admit you’re wrong, even when you aren’t.

- Apologize and don’t just say it...mean it.

- Don’t let finances tear you apart – it’ll all work out as long as you're together.

- You won’t always get it your way, but find a way to see it in his eyes. Make his way, your way.

- Compromise not because you have to, but because you want to.

- Give it all you have, even if he isn't. You can only control your own actions.

- Boys forget things...a lot. Remember, we are chemically different.

And if all else fails, remember the moment you knew you were in love. Re-live it all over again and those things that seem so terrible in the moment, will quickly fade away.

We are in this for the long rung and it’s far better to be happy for a long time than sad, angry, and spiteful for a short time. Take your pick!