Mom and Dad Know Best

Christopher Todd Studios

We all know the saying, "Mom knows best" and I can tell you first hand, that this statement is generally (well, always) true. And then we get to a point where we are planning our wedding. Mom is beyond excited that she can hardly contain herself! She has found your dream dress in a matter of days after your fiance pops the question, and dad is paying so he feels that he should be able to invite all of his friends to this party he is throwing.

But as you know, outside influences can be one of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding.

A couple of months back, we had a blog post titled "Mom vs. Bride" which was pretty much on the same subject. And every inquiry I have gotten on the subject, I have referred brides to that article. While I may never know if my advice worked or didn't work for some of those brides, I began thinking to myself, "What if mom and dad actually do know best?"

I quickly came to the conclusion that no matter how often we tell ourselves that this is our wedding day and we should be able to have everything we want, we sound like complete brats. I mean come on here - I am trying to prevent all of you from getting the terrible outbreak of "bridezilla" and with my advice, I may even be encouraging this!

Now I will tell you this - I still believe that the advice I gave in my "Mom vs. Bride" post was great advice and can definitely help in many situations where family and friends are being far too overpowering. Believe me, that happens more often than not. And in our society where more and more couples are paying for their own weddings, they should have the choice of a wedding vision, right?

While there is not an exact formula for who should have a say in what, I believe that you should be respectful of everyone who wants to be involved. If there are too many people who want to be involved, then consider yourself blessed. I receive inquiries every day from brides who are upset because their families don't want to participate so before you think that you're stuck in a terrible situation, take a step back to understand that you are very lucky to have so many people that are beyond excited to help you out!

Now I understand that it can be overwhelming and you need to stand your ground so you don't get stressed out. But shoving people away is not the way to do it. Let them know that you have that specific item covered, and "assign" or give some options as to areas of the planning that you may need advice or help with. That way, you will get some items checked off of your to-do list and everyone who wants to be involved will be able to participate, without stepping on your toes.

Christopher Todd Studios

When it comes to mom and dad, I have come to the conclusion that in reality, they may know best. Now I am not saying that just because dad is paying that he should be inviting all of his friends and leaving no room for yours. And mom definitely should not be making the final call on which dress you choose. In these cases, refer to my "Mom vs. Bride" article. But have you ever taken a step back to look at the true meaning behind the advice you are getting from others? Maybe your friend already got married and is giving you this piece advice because she ran into a problem the exact way you are trying to do it. Or maybe your mom really wants the best for you and in the end, she is just trying to help out!

No matter what you do, take a step back and ask yourself why people are trying to get you to do it their way. And once you figure that out, you can ultimately determine whether the advice is great for you or should be disregarded. In many cases, you're going to find that mom and dad do know what's best for you :)

Mom vs Bride

Are you feeling overwhelmed by all of the wedding planning? Is it because you have so much to do? Or because others want to be involved and make decisions, but you cannot stand his or her taste?? Oftentimes, it is the latter and most often it is a difference in opinion between the bride and her mother.

Isn't that just the worst? This is supposed to be the most amazing experience in your life thus far and all you and your mother can do are bicker about which dress flatters your figure more, or which venue is more beautiful, or what the overall theme of the wedding should be! You want a rustic-style wedding but your mother thinks that your big day should be no other than a formal, traditional event. Ughh! No fun at all and this stresses you out even more than you were already stressed by your to-do list!

Lorusso Studios

So what are you supposed to do?

Well, since my mother unfortunately was not able to be there for my big day, I cannot give you any advice from personal experience. I can, however, offer advice that I have given to many of my past brides all in the same situation, and hope that it will work for you too! We can only hope!

First off, it is the most difficult (and generally the situation) when your mother is the one paying for your wedding. Every bride comes to me and says, "My mom is not going to pay unless she gets her way!" While she may have told you that (and that is a different story), most of you are over-exaggerating the situation because you are stressed out! If your mom wants you to have a formal, traditional wedding THAT BAD, then why would she prefer you to have no wedding at all?  In most cases, you are over-thinking this.

Let's take a moment and step into your mother's shoes...her baby girl is getting married and she wants this day to be absolutely spectacular and one that no one will ever forget! This day has to be perfect in every way! And let's think back to when she got married, the most spectacular weddings were those that were very formal and traditional so you can't blame her to think that in order for yours to be spectacular, it has to be that same type of wedding! Really, she wants the best for you and she is not out to get you, so please just remember that first!

So here is what we are going to do:

Step 1: Sit down with your mom and tell her (very calmly) how you are feeling. In many cases, she is so wrapped into the planning of the wedding and you are hiding your emotions so much that she had no idea you disagreed or wanted something completely different! "Well why didn't you say that in the first place!" If you don't tell her, chances are she didn't even know!

Step 2: If she was aware that you had differing opinions, explain to her why you want the wedding the way you want it. Maybe your fiance comes from a different cultural background and you want to combine the cultures. Or maybe that is just your taste! But you need to explain why you want it how you want it.

Step 3: Ask your mom why she wants it the way she wants it. Why is it so imperative that she have it her way? I can take a guess what the answer is going to be..."I just want this day to be perfect for you and that is my vision of a perfect wedding!"

Step 4: Come to an agreement - "Mom, I know that you really want me to have a traditional wedding but that is really not me. How about we incorporate some traditional aspects into my wedding vision. Although I will not be getting married in a church, I would love to participate in communion during our ceremony. And I would love to have a traditional white gown with a long veil."

 Obviously, these 4 steps are not going to work every time. But a majority of the time, they are going to end at step 1 and everything will be resolved. If worse comes to worse, just remember that you want to make your mom happy and proud just as much as she wants to make you happy. So find a good balance and just be open with her! If you don't tell her what you're thinking, she will never know! Always stay calm, collected, and respectful because I assure you, she does have good intentions.

Happy planning!!

Who is going to pay?

Creating a budget is the very first step in planning your wedding and we have many tools that will help you do that! You don't want to spend too much money on alcohol and end up with no budget for flowers! So make sure you write down each budget category and assess what is most important to you before over-spending on another category!
 
While traditionally the bride's family paid for the wedding, this is definitely not the norm anymore! So many families are pitching in to help with the wedding and many couples are paying for their weddings on their own. Regardless of who is paying or helping to pitch in, you need a solid budget before you do anything else! Don't get yourself into a contract you cannot stick to!
 
A couple of tips.

1. If a family member is willing to donate flowers, for example, make sure he or she knows what the cost of floral is going to be! While he or she may be willing to spend $500 on floral, you may have $5,000 worth of floral décor in mind! So just be open and honest and make sure your family members are open and honest with what they are willing to help you with!
 
2. When will you have the money? Generally, you are going to need to provide a 25-50% deposit with each vendor through your wedding planning. So a good rule of thumb is to make sure you have at least 50% of your budget ready to do right now! Final payments are due anywhere from one month to 3 days before the wedding.
 
3. Don't spend what you cannot afford! There is nothing more stressful than trying to come up with payments for your wedding that you cannot afford. An expensive wedding doesn't mean you will have the best marriage! In the end, you are marrying the man/woman of your dreams so make your wedding your own and you CAN make an absolutely amazing day with any budget :)
 
4. You food, beverage, and venue site fees are generally around 50% of your total spending. So if you have $20,000 as your total wedding budget, make sure you tell possible venues that your venue budget is $10,000 so you don't overspend!

I have some great tools for calculating your budget in just the click of a button so email me if you would like me to send you the file! Happy budgeting :)